Review for My Girl

Title: ‘My Girl’

Author: xdorkyx

Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/KeyBer/

Reviewer: xiaoxi @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/

Title: 5/10

‘My Girl’ seems like a common title, and I did not manage to see the link between the title and story.

Foreword: 6/10

I had to rate you down slightly in this area, because your forewords was far too short to satisfy even the laziest of readers. I only understood it as an excerpt of Amber’s feelings towards Key, and there was no other mention about ‘My Girl’. Perhaps you would like to include a short paragraph to link your story to the title.

The big minus derived here -- you shouldn’t have given away your plot in the forewords. Readers, having known your plot, would not really be anticipating as much for your updates because they already know what would happen. Luckily you did not mention the ending. Instead of directly telling readers of your plot, I suggest you slowly build it up through the chapters and lead the readers into understanding the plot by themselves.

Appearance: 5/10

There was no poster or background, and I respect that not all authors would find it necessary to have a poster and background. However, take into consideration for the fact that first impression means a lot. If there was an attractive poster, it would capture readers. However, points were given because the black font colour is easy on the eyes when contrasted against a white background.

Plot: 9/15

The plot wasn’t exactly original, but the cute interactions between Key and Amber made up for it.

Flow: 5/10

The pace was a little quick, and at times I thought I was reading something similar to a diary. Take this paragraph for example --

“The next day, Key and Minho went to the mall. They wanted to waste money even just for that day so they bought clothes that would be perfect for the winter. After that, they went inside a coffee shop and had some cappuccino before spending the rest of day in the mall. They went window shopping after drinking some coffee and spotted someone pretty familiar to Key.”

It started off with the both of them going to the mall, then buying something, then going to the coffee shop, then spending the rest of the day just hanging around until Key spotted Amber. Perhaps you didn’t want to dwell on things that were not really Key-Amber related, but the way you had it phrased made it seem like a diary entry of some sort. And they simply wanted to “waste money”? It sounded a little weird.

I suggest you try this instead if you want to go directly into Key-Amber.

“Key and Minho took the day off to visit the mall for some winter clothes. After which, they hung around the place to chill out and do some window shopping when Key saw a familiar figure.”

Originality: 6/10

As I’ve said, the plot wasn’t exactly original because it was a tomboy-ish character in a school, and the tomboy-ish character is feeling awkward, and the story goes on to say how this character slowly leans towards being ‘girly’. I assumed Amber was slowly leaning more onto the girl side as she did not seem uncomfortable wearing a skirt around her school mates and she was skipping around school in a skirt.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4/10

I caught quite a handful. A major mistake that caught my eye was that you tend to leave out your full-stops. I thought this was a rather serious mistake because readers would not be able to know if the sentence has ended. If you had intended for the sentence to end but did not place a full-stop, readers would be confused because they do not know that it has ended.

I also spotted mistakes which I assume are typos. Taking into account that everyone makes typo errors, I would close an eye to a few typos. However, your typos occur at quite a frequent rate and at times disturb the reading pace as I have to stop and think about the word.

Your paragraphing is inconsistent. Sometimes the speech dialogue is separated into a few paragraphs, whilst at other times it appears as a whole block. Consistent paragraphing is very important, so remember to decide on how you want to paragraph your story.

There was also an instance where you said ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ (or was it ‘him’ instead of ‘her’?) when you referred to Amber. If you’re getting confused, most likely your readers are too.

Below are also some errors I’ve picked out.

You said:

“Totally, Absolutely, Definitely~”

The first alphabets should not be capitalized except for ‘T’ of Totally. You did not end ‘Totally’ and ‘Absolutely’ with a full-stop. Therefore, the correct version should be:

“Totally, absolutely, definitely.”

Notice that ‘a’ of absolutely and ‘d’ of definitely should not be capitalized.

You said:

“Oppa, since you have all my candies, can you come with me. I want to buy some in the candyshop” Key stopped from walking”
If Amber is asking a question, the sentence should end with a question mark. If you want to end it with a full-stop, it would have to be such that Amber is demanding Key to follow her. Therefore, it should be:

“Oppa, can you come with me since you’ve eaten all my candies?” OR

“Oppa, you have to come with me since you ate all my candies.”

Also, you used “Key stopped from walking”. It should be “Key stopped walking.”

The candy shop is two separate words, not “candyshop”.

You said:

“If you could only see Amber’s face when I said she’s pretty”

If you notice, I picked this sentence because it was incorrectly phrased and you are missing a full-stop.

It should be:

“If only you could see Amber’s face when I complimented her saying that she’s pretty.”

Characterization: 6/10

I could tell Key was a cheeky boy, and Amber seemed rather tomboy-ish. However, there was a scene where Amber was skipping around in school during curriculum hours. I don’t think it fit’s the character you’ve carved Amber into. If she is uncomfortable about wearing skirts, how come she is comfortable about skipping around school in a skirt?

Writing Style: 6/10

After one or two chapters, I got the hang of your writing style. There was less confusion because I knew the sentence has ended despite the absence of a full-stop. Paragraphing is also a problem I have mentioned earlier. You have to work hard on correcting your mistakes. However, I guess it can also be taken as your unique writing style (although it isn’t a good habit).

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

I liked the interactions between Key and Amber, but sometimes it made Key seem childish and immature, such as how he calls Amber early in the morning to remind her of a pink lingerie. It also makes him ungentlemanly.

But I still enjoy seeing two of my favourite artistes together!

Bonus: 2/5

I like authors who take the time to reply to comments :)

Total: 57/100

Reviewer’s note:

I hope you will not be disheartened by the total score I have given you. Instead, I hope you would improve on what I have pointed out, especially since your story has yet to be completed. I can see you’ve been putting in effort to provide humor in your story. Before I forget, you have to make a linkage back to your title of ‘My Girl‘! It is essential as your title represents your story, but I cannot see the linkage as of yet. Good luck and thanks for requesting!

Xiaoxi, loves.