Review for Idol Big Show: Debut Stage

Story: Idol Big Show: Debut Stage
Author: kpoop06
Reviewed by: th1rd3ye



Title: 7.5/10

No doubt, your title is different, but it is a little too long. Thus, it cannot be easily engraved in the readers’ minds.



Foreword: 7/10

Your forewords include a conversation, which serves as a bait to lure readers to read on, and I would say that this is a good approach. As for your first paragraph, before the conversation, this is a good way to make your readers’ mind start wondering and to continue reading on to find out. Good! However, your sentences sound incoherent because of the poor punctuation used. For example, “It is a story of a girl, who by trying to escape from this constructed world of Idols and glittering stars found herself falling deeper and harder into the depths of one big idol show.”; no doubt, the meaning is rather clear but it will be easier for readers if you change it to, “It is a story of a girl, who by trying to escape from this constructed world of Idols and glittering stars, found herself falling deeper and harder into the depths of one big idol show.”. Note that I have placed a comma before the word “found”, separating the sentence into three parts. In this way, the emphasis will be clear and easy to be seen, read and understood.



Appearance: 6/10

Overall, I think there is still room for improvement in this aspect. The poster to me is a little bit messy with all the colours and the very small pictures of the male idols. Maybe that is the message of the story you are trying to convey- that the entertainment industry is messy. Despite so, the mood of the story is not brought out to its fullest. Though the entertainment industry is messy, it must be exciting and tough as well. The font colour no doubt goes with the black background and will definitely not cause the readers’ eyes to hurt, but, the title colour and the font colour are not blended. They are very different colours. So to improve the appearance, maybe you can use different shades of the same colour for the title and font colours. This will make the overall appearance of the story more synchronized.



Plot: 12.5/15

Your plot initially seemed very typical, showing the chaos and the deception and crazy profit-making minds of JYP (in particular). However, as the story moves on, I can see that your plot is different from the rest. From joining the idol world with a broken heart to helping idols, and then to knowing idols and partnering with them, such a process through the different aspects make your story more interesting and fun to read. It is truly engaging as readers will want to read on and find out Nisshi’s changes and the developments in her entertaining life with all the awesome and attractive idols.



Flow: 8.5/10

The flow of your story is alright, but at times, I found it too fast or too slow. For instance, I found Nisshi’s involvement into the idol world too fast and sudden. I thought she would have to convince herself really hard for some time and then join in. Afterall, her heart was broken by one famous idol. She should have a harder time. However, I liked the pace of the process of Nisshi’s developing interactions with Big Bang, especially TOP and Ji Young. In addition, I found Minsul’s appearances in the story too short. She seemed to enter and leave the story in haste.



Originality: 8.5/10

As I have mentioned earlier, your plot initially sounded typical but later, it became more appealing and satisfying.



Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4.5/10

I think you should proofread your story a few more times. There are many mistakes throughout. In addition, you are writing a rather long story so there is more space for more mistakes. Note your punctuation. So, do check properly.

Examples:

Chapter 1:

(1) “It wasn't that she was ashamed of her” – It wasn’t that he (Jae Bum) was ashamed of her.

(2)“That's why were picking on you hyung, to take the nervousness out.” – That’s why we’re picking on you, hyung, to take the nervousness out.

(3)“His donseangs all said in unison.” – His dongsaengs all said in unison.

Chapter 23:

(4)“If it was any other pair, she could have just left and got himself a bottle of soju than wait around and be excluded from the conversation.” – If it was any other pair, he (TOP) could have just left and get himself a bottle of soju than … conversation.

(5)“ ‘Did he like her?’ She taught to herself.” – The word should be “thought”, not “taught”.



Characterisation: 8/10

Rather good characterisation, in my opinion. Some of the personalities of the characters are very well-portrayed. For instance, TOP is easily jealous and it could easily inferred that he really is in love with Nisshi. Also, Ji Young is obsessed (haha :p) with fashion and really very sensitive, helpful and mature. =] He has a mind of his own too, clearly, with his plans and assumptions.



Writing Style: 8/10

Easy to read and understand, especially with all the wonderful footnotes, your writing style is not too bad. Also, I am glad that you wrote in paragraphs. However, to reach the impressive stage, I feel that there is a need for a wider variety of vocabulary and more descriptions of detailed actions which can reveal and highlight the emotions of characters.



Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5

I totally loved reading this story. However, your language errors do turn me off at times. So, do strive on!



Bonus: 5/5

Your hard work is recognized. With all the footnotes and everything, I can see you are making yourself clear to the readers and wanting them to understand everything. This shows your empathy and efforts. =] However, you can put the number inside a bracket. I think it would be a better way. I LOVE BIG BANG! =] Do remember to credit me (for this review) and our site [http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/ ].



Total: 80/100