Reviewer: Euki
Fanfic Tittle: By your side
Author: thir3ye
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/fts_mh_BYS/
===
Title: - 9/10 Your title is fine. Yet, it didn't really catches my attention.
Foreword: -10/10 You got me there in your forewords. It makes me want to keep reading more. [Dang, I though Eun Jae was alive at first, haha]
Appearance: -8/10I love the poster and background. However, I deducted two points because:
-I can't clearly see the font color
-It makes me highlight the page in order for me to read it.
Well in my opinion, you should have made the font color a little bit darker.
Plot: - 13/15 Honestly, I liked your plot. However, I didn't give you full credit because you already stated in the forewords that both of you [Min Hwan an Eun Jae] died. Therefore, it became a cliché for me on what is going to happen in your story.
Flow: - 9/10 The flow is fine. But then, it’s better if you elaborate the death scene of Min Hwan.
Originality: -10/10 I haven't read any stories like this before. Good job!
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -8/10 I didn't give you full credit because I spotted a few run-on sentences. In addition, you put many unnecessary comas [,] in the parts where it’s not necessary.
Characterization: -9/10 You have clear characterization for Min Hwan and Eun Jae. However, I think it's better if you elaborate Jae Jin's character too even though he's just a minor character.
Writing Style: -8/10 I deducted 2 point since I felt awkward when you have a lot of unnecessary comas and run on sentences. Also, I think it's better if you put some boundary between the end of your flashback and into the scene where Jae Jin entered your room.
Overall Enjoyment: - 3/5 It's a nice story. However, I didn't give you full credit because I don't know any FT Island members. Plus, the unnecessary comas and run-on sentences makes me bored reading your story.
Bonus: - 2/5
Two points because you managed to complete the request and I'm glad that you requested in jjforeverdbsk.webs.com!
Total: - 89/105 Great job!☻
♥EuKi♥
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Review for Love Kill
Review by: xiaoxi
Fanfic Tittle: Love Kills
Fanfic Author: Vi3tjcn
Fanfic URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/Vi3tjcn2/
Title: 8/10
The title fits the story, but I thought it was a bit lacking. It isn’t very attractive, for we all know love hurts most of the time and therefore makes the title ‘Love Kills’ rather plain and boring.
Foreword: 2/10
It was hard for me to decide whether I should rate you on foreword, considering that Love Kills was a one-shot. However, your one-shot entered its climax nearly immediately and so I thought it would’ve been better if you made use of forewords to provide some background information on Jiyong and Sohee’s relationship (which means I decided to rate you on foreword). How long have they actually been dating or how much in love are they? I feel it would have been better if you used a few paragraphs to build up the story. It could’ve also been used as a bait to lure in readers. All I got to know from your foreword was that Sunye would be taking the role of a bad person. That’s not exactly very exciting.
Appearance: 8/10
The dark hues used for your poster and background told much about how your story would be - gloomy and sad. The poster also served as a character chart which would come in pretty handy for readers who do not know the three main characters. The only minus was that your font colour is difficult to read against a black background. It would’ve been better if you used light grey for your font colour (considering that white against black would be a bit too glaring for the eye).
Plot: 10/15
The plot seems underdeveloped because I don’t really know how deep the relationship was for Jiyong and Sohee. But what happened after was more detailed, and taking into account that Love Kills basically tells the story of how love killed Sohee, I gave credit.
But the trap which Jiyong fell into? What trap was Jiyong talking about? Was Sunye using Youngbae just to get close to Jiyong? Why would she want to get Jiyong when she knew her best friend, Sohee, was with him? Wash her friendship with Sohee just part of her plan too? This part was left unexplained and it left me wondering.
Flow: 8.5/10
The pace was a little quick for me, but considering it was a one-shot, I guess you can’t exactly dillydally either.
Originality: 8.5/10
The plot isn’t original. However, I gave you credit for attempting to add a little twist to it by making Sohee pregnant.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 6.5/10
I managed to catch a few mistakes here and there as I was reading, but it did not really inconvenience me in my reading experience and therefore I did not bother too much about it. However, good presentation is essential and you should always proofread before you post. This minimizes the chances of you creating a mistake in spelling/grammar/punctuation/vocabulary and makes reading more pleasant and enjoyable.
I believe the ’bed thingy’ you meant was stretcher. You should never use ‘bed thingy’ to represent what you had wanted to say, even if you do not know what it’s called. By naming it ‘bed thingy’, it makes your writing unprofessional. You could have used something as substitute, such as a ‘movable bed’ or something along the lines of it. The best solution is for you to check what it is really called. With the help of the internet it should be quite an easy task. Laziness is no excuse.
Characterization: 6/10
Jiyong and Sohee pairing seemed to be a bit overused, but I enjoyed seeing the two together. The down side was how your carved Jiyong’s character. I could tell Jiyong meant the world to Sohee, such that his betrayal left her hankering after death. For Jiyong’s case however, it appeared that he had quite a lot of feelings for Sohee but why did he still went to bed with his buddy’s girlfriend? If he knows Sunye, then surely he must know that Sohee is best friends with her? Why did he bed Sohee’s best friend if he loved her so much? Wasn’t he afraid of hurting Sohee and Youngbae?
Writing Style: 7.5/10
Your writing style is easy to comprehend, but there are occasional mistakes in sentence structure and spelling/grammar/punctuation/vocabulary.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Bonus: 1/5
I like authors who interact with readers :)
Total: 70/105
Reviewer’s note:
I admit I’m quite a harsh reviewer and might have given you a lower score than others might have. However, I rate based on what I feel would be best for creating an ideal fic and pleasant reading experience. Honestly, if I wasn’t reviewing this fic and am just reading it as a normal reader, I would think your language use is considered good (because I’m seeing more and more of fics surfacing on winglin which requires major proofreading and correcting).
The part which really pulled you down was your forewords. If you find it unnecessary to include Jiyong and Sohee’s deep relationship, I suggest you can actually include an excerpt of the most exciting part of Love Kills. This lures in readers and get people hyped up about what might happen next.
Good luck and thanks for requesting!
P/S Merry xmas, your one-shot got reviewed on xmas day LOL! :D
Xiaoxi, loves.
Fanfic Tittle: Love Kills
Fanfic Author: Vi3tjcn
Fanfic URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/Vi3tjcn2/
Title: 8/10
The title fits the story, but I thought it was a bit lacking. It isn’t very attractive, for we all know love hurts most of the time and therefore makes the title ‘Love Kills’ rather plain and boring.
Foreword: 2/10
It was hard for me to decide whether I should rate you on foreword, considering that Love Kills was a one-shot. However, your one-shot entered its climax nearly immediately and so I thought it would’ve been better if you made use of forewords to provide some background information on Jiyong and Sohee’s relationship (which means I decided to rate you on foreword). How long have they actually been dating or how much in love are they? I feel it would have been better if you used a few paragraphs to build up the story. It could’ve also been used as a bait to lure in readers. All I got to know from your foreword was that Sunye would be taking the role of a bad person. That’s not exactly very exciting.
Appearance: 8/10
The dark hues used for your poster and background told much about how your story would be - gloomy and sad. The poster also served as a character chart which would come in pretty handy for readers who do not know the three main characters. The only minus was that your font colour is difficult to read against a black background. It would’ve been better if you used light grey for your font colour (considering that white against black would be a bit too glaring for the eye).
Plot: 10/15
The plot seems underdeveloped because I don’t really know how deep the relationship was for Jiyong and Sohee. But what happened after was more detailed, and taking into account that Love Kills basically tells the story of how love killed Sohee, I gave credit.
But the trap which Jiyong fell into? What trap was Jiyong talking about? Was Sunye using Youngbae just to get close to Jiyong? Why would she want to get Jiyong when she knew her best friend, Sohee, was with him? Wash her friendship with Sohee just part of her plan too? This part was left unexplained and it left me wondering.
Flow: 8.5/10
The pace was a little quick for me, but considering it was a one-shot, I guess you can’t exactly dillydally either.
Originality: 8.5/10
The plot isn’t original. However, I gave you credit for attempting to add a little twist to it by making Sohee pregnant.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 6.5/10
I managed to catch a few mistakes here and there as I was reading, but it did not really inconvenience me in my reading experience and therefore I did not bother too much about it. However, good presentation is essential and you should always proofread before you post. This minimizes the chances of you creating a mistake in spelling/grammar/punctuation/vocabulary and makes reading more pleasant and enjoyable.
I believe the ’bed thingy’ you meant was stretcher. You should never use ‘bed thingy’ to represent what you had wanted to say, even if you do not know what it’s called. By naming it ‘bed thingy’, it makes your writing unprofessional. You could have used something as substitute, such as a ‘movable bed’ or something along the lines of it. The best solution is for you to check what it is really called. With the help of the internet it should be quite an easy task. Laziness is no excuse.
Characterization: 6/10
Jiyong and Sohee pairing seemed to be a bit overused, but I enjoyed seeing the two together. The down side was how your carved Jiyong’s character. I could tell Jiyong meant the world to Sohee, such that his betrayal left her hankering after death. For Jiyong’s case however, it appeared that he had quite a lot of feelings for Sohee but why did he still went to bed with his buddy’s girlfriend? If he knows Sunye, then surely he must know that Sohee is best friends with her? Why did he bed Sohee’s best friend if he loved her so much? Wasn’t he afraid of hurting Sohee and Youngbae?
Writing Style: 7.5/10
Your writing style is easy to comprehend, but there are occasional mistakes in sentence structure and spelling/grammar/punctuation/vocabulary.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Bonus: 1/5
I like authors who interact with readers :)
Total: 70/105
Reviewer’s note:
I admit I’m quite a harsh reviewer and might have given you a lower score than others might have. However, I rate based on what I feel would be best for creating an ideal fic and pleasant reading experience. Honestly, if I wasn’t reviewing this fic and am just reading it as a normal reader, I would think your language use is considered good (because I’m seeing more and more of fics surfacing on winglin which requires major proofreading and correcting).
The part which really pulled you down was your forewords. If you find it unnecessary to include Jiyong and Sohee’s deep relationship, I suggest you can actually include an excerpt of the most exciting part of Love Kills. This lures in readers and get people hyped up about what might happen next.
Good luck and thanks for requesting!
P/S Merry xmas, your one-shot got reviewed on xmas day LOL! :D
Xiaoxi, loves.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Review for Dreams[Secret Melodies Challenge]
Reviewer: xiAH_SEok
Story Tittle: Dreams[Secret Melodies Challenge]
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/qqqqq/
Author: Wang Jing Mei
Review from: http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com
Title : 9/10
i gave you a 9 out of 10 because the title...is a bit..just there..its a random title..i know
you can do better than "Dreams" but i understand how it goes with the story^_^
Foreword : 10/10
The forewords were very interesting..i actually wanted to keep reading from your forewords.
it does sounds like i wil attract many readers.
Appearance : 10/10
the poster and background itself shows alot of what the story would be like,
its colors are dark showing that this story is sad...and yet acheiving. it's black background
gives a nice light to the white writings so for that the readers can read better.
Plot : 15/15
the plot is good. who wouldn't want to meet Onew right? its totally diffrent from the
other fanfic that i've read, you've got nice twist and turns.
Flow : 10/10
the flow of your story is nice and steedy. not too speedy not too slow.
just at a pace where i and many readers can stand reading.
Creativity/Originality : 8/10
hmmm...this point went down a bit..you could've chosen your own path with your
reasons for her to meet Onew...and the point that she has a diease is like a daily Korean Drama.
although it was good, i beleive that you can twsit it a bit.
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : 10/10
You have good grammer, maybe a little here and there but i understood it all the way.
good job with your past tense and future..
Characterization : 10/10
hmmm characterization of yours are good. the characters are a match in this game of meeting one another.
the main character's [role] is quite catchy actually..and onew...is onew? LOL
Writing Style : 10/10
i personally like your writing style.,..period. oh and keep up the
good work. you must really paid attention in Language Arts because this is a story of
art. [im trying to hard to get this through LOL]
Overall Enjoyment : 5/5
i really enjoyed it^-^
Bonus: 5/5
awesome.
Total: 88/105
whao...that might look like a small number. but 88 is a huge number.
great job. i would clap for you, but you wouldn't hear it.
please continue writing. i realy enjoyed it so HWAITING for your future works^-^
Story Tittle: Dreams[Secret Melodies Challenge]
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/qqqqq/
Author: Wang Jing Mei
Review from: http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com
Title : 9/10
i gave you a 9 out of 10 because the title...is a bit..just there..its a random title..i know
you can do better than "Dreams" but i understand how it goes with the story^_^
Foreword : 10/10
The forewords were very interesting..i actually wanted to keep reading from your forewords.
it does sounds like i wil attract many readers.
Appearance : 10/10
the poster and background itself shows alot of what the story would be like,
its colors are dark showing that this story is sad...and yet acheiving. it's black background
gives a nice light to the white writings so for that the readers can read better.
Plot : 15/15
the plot is good. who wouldn't want to meet Onew right? its totally diffrent from the
other fanfic that i've read, you've got nice twist and turns.
Flow : 10/10
the flow of your story is nice and steedy. not too speedy not too slow.
just at a pace where i and many readers can stand reading.
Creativity/Originality : 8/10
hmmm...this point went down a bit..you could've chosen your own path with your
reasons for her to meet Onew...and the point that she has a diease is like a daily Korean Drama.
although it was good, i beleive that you can twsit it a bit.
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : 10/10
You have good grammer, maybe a little here and there but i understood it all the way.
good job with your past tense and future..
Characterization : 10/10
hmmm characterization of yours are good. the characters are a match in this game of meeting one another.
the main character's [role] is quite catchy actually..and onew...is onew? LOL
Writing Style : 10/10
i personally like your writing style.,..period. oh and keep up the
good work. you must really paid attention in Language Arts because this is a story of
art. [im trying to hard to get this through LOL]
Overall Enjoyment : 5/5
i really enjoyed it^-^
Bonus: 5/5
awesome.
Total: 88/105
whao...that might look like a small number. but 88 is a huge number.
great job. i would clap for you, but you wouldn't hear it.
please continue writing. i realy enjoyed it so HWAITING for your future works^-^
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Review for Idol Big Show: Debut Stage
Story: Idol Big Show: Debut Stage
Author: kpoop06
Reviewed by: th1rd3ye
Title: 7.5/10
No doubt, your title is different, but it is a little too long. Thus, it cannot be easily engraved in the readers’ minds.
Foreword: 7/10
Your forewords include a conversation, which serves as a bait to lure readers to read on, and I would say that this is a good approach. As for your first paragraph, before the conversation, this is a good way to make your readers’ mind start wondering and to continue reading on to find out. Good! However, your sentences sound incoherent because of the poor punctuation used. For example, “It is a story of a girl, who by trying to escape from this constructed world of Idols and glittering stars found herself falling deeper and harder into the depths of one big idol show.”; no doubt, the meaning is rather clear but it will be easier for readers if you change it to, “It is a story of a girl, who by trying to escape from this constructed world of Idols and glittering stars, found herself falling deeper and harder into the depths of one big idol show.”. Note that I have placed a comma before the word “found”, separating the sentence into three parts. In this way, the emphasis will be clear and easy to be seen, read and understood.
Appearance: 6/10
Overall, I think there is still room for improvement in this aspect. The poster to me is a little bit messy with all the colours and the very small pictures of the male idols. Maybe that is the message of the story you are trying to convey- that the entertainment industry is messy. Despite so, the mood of the story is not brought out to its fullest. Though the entertainment industry is messy, it must be exciting and tough as well. The font colour no doubt goes with the black background and will definitely not cause the readers’ eyes to hurt, but, the title colour and the font colour are not blended. They are very different colours. So to improve the appearance, maybe you can use different shades of the same colour for the title and font colours. This will make the overall appearance of the story more synchronized.
Plot: 12.5/15
Your plot initially seemed very typical, showing the chaos and the deception and crazy profit-making minds of JYP (in particular). However, as the story moves on, I can see that your plot is different from the rest. From joining the idol world with a broken heart to helping idols, and then to knowing idols and partnering with them, such a process through the different aspects make your story more interesting and fun to read. It is truly engaging as readers will want to read on and find out Nisshi’s changes and the developments in her entertaining life with all the awesome and attractive idols.
Flow: 8.5/10
The flow of your story is alright, but at times, I found it too fast or too slow. For instance, I found Nisshi’s involvement into the idol world too fast and sudden. I thought she would have to convince herself really hard for some time and then join in. Afterall, her heart was broken by one famous idol. She should have a harder time. However, I liked the pace of the process of Nisshi’s developing interactions with Big Bang, especially TOP and Ji Young. In addition, I found Minsul’s appearances in the story too short. She seemed to enter and leave the story in haste.
Originality: 8.5/10
As I have mentioned earlier, your plot initially sounded typical but later, it became more appealing and satisfying.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4.5/10
I think you should proofread your story a few more times. There are many mistakes throughout. In addition, you are writing a rather long story so there is more space for more mistakes. Note your punctuation. So, do check properly.
Examples:
Chapter 1:
(1) “It wasn't that she was ashamed of her” – It wasn’t that he (Jae Bum) was ashamed of her.
(2)“That's why were picking on you hyung, to take the nervousness out.” – That’s why we’re picking on you, hyung, to take the nervousness out.
(3)“His donseangs all said in unison.” – His dongsaengs all said in unison.
Chapter 23:
(4)“If it was any other pair, she could have just left and got himself a bottle of soju than wait around and be excluded from the conversation.” – If it was any other pair, he (TOP) could have just left and get himself a bottle of soju than … conversation.
(5)“ ‘Did he like her?’ She taught to herself.” – The word should be “thought”, not “taught”.
Characterisation: 8/10
Rather good characterisation, in my opinion. Some of the personalities of the characters are very well-portrayed. For instance, TOP is easily jealous and it could easily inferred that he really is in love with Nisshi. Also, Ji Young is obsessed (haha :p) with fashion and really very sensitive, helpful and mature. =] He has a mind of his own too, clearly, with his plans and assumptions.
Writing Style: 8/10
Easy to read and understand, especially with all the wonderful footnotes, your writing style is not too bad. Also, I am glad that you wrote in paragraphs. However, to reach the impressive stage, I feel that there is a need for a wider variety of vocabulary and more descriptions of detailed actions which can reveal and highlight the emotions of characters.
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5
I totally loved reading this story. However, your language errors do turn me off at times. So, do strive on!
Bonus: 5/5
Your hard work is recognized. With all the footnotes and everything, I can see you are making yourself clear to the readers and wanting them to understand everything. This shows your empathy and efforts. =] However, you can put the number inside a bracket. I think it would be a better way. I LOVE BIG BANG! =] Do remember to credit me (for this review) and our site [http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/ ].
Total: 80/100
Author: kpoop06
Reviewed by: th1rd3ye
Title: 7.5/10
No doubt, your title is different, but it is a little too long. Thus, it cannot be easily engraved in the readers’ minds.
Foreword: 7/10
Your forewords include a conversation, which serves as a bait to lure readers to read on, and I would say that this is a good approach. As for your first paragraph, before the conversation, this is a good way to make your readers’ mind start wondering and to continue reading on to find out. Good! However, your sentences sound incoherent because of the poor punctuation used. For example, “It is a story of a girl, who by trying to escape from this constructed world of Idols and glittering stars found herself falling deeper and harder into the depths of one big idol show.”; no doubt, the meaning is rather clear but it will be easier for readers if you change it to, “It is a story of a girl, who by trying to escape from this constructed world of Idols and glittering stars, found herself falling deeper and harder into the depths of one big idol show.”. Note that I have placed a comma before the word “found”, separating the sentence into three parts. In this way, the emphasis will be clear and easy to be seen, read and understood.
Appearance: 6/10
Overall, I think there is still room for improvement in this aspect. The poster to me is a little bit messy with all the colours and the very small pictures of the male idols. Maybe that is the message of the story you are trying to convey- that the entertainment industry is messy. Despite so, the mood of the story is not brought out to its fullest. Though the entertainment industry is messy, it must be exciting and tough as well. The font colour no doubt goes with the black background and will definitely not cause the readers’ eyes to hurt, but, the title colour and the font colour are not blended. They are very different colours. So to improve the appearance, maybe you can use different shades of the same colour for the title and font colours. This will make the overall appearance of the story more synchronized.
Plot: 12.5/15
Your plot initially seemed very typical, showing the chaos and the deception and crazy profit-making minds of JYP (in particular). However, as the story moves on, I can see that your plot is different from the rest. From joining the idol world with a broken heart to helping idols, and then to knowing idols and partnering with them, such a process through the different aspects make your story more interesting and fun to read. It is truly engaging as readers will want to read on and find out Nisshi’s changes and the developments in her entertaining life with all the awesome and attractive idols.
Flow: 8.5/10
The flow of your story is alright, but at times, I found it too fast or too slow. For instance, I found Nisshi’s involvement into the idol world too fast and sudden. I thought she would have to convince herself really hard for some time and then join in. Afterall, her heart was broken by one famous idol. She should have a harder time. However, I liked the pace of the process of Nisshi’s developing interactions with Big Bang, especially TOP and Ji Young. In addition, I found Minsul’s appearances in the story too short. She seemed to enter and leave the story in haste.
Originality: 8.5/10
As I have mentioned earlier, your plot initially sounded typical but later, it became more appealing and satisfying.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4.5/10
I think you should proofread your story a few more times. There are many mistakes throughout. In addition, you are writing a rather long story so there is more space for more mistakes. Note your punctuation. So, do check properly.
Examples:
Chapter 1:
(1) “It wasn't that she was ashamed of her” – It wasn’t that he (Jae Bum) was ashamed of her.
(2)“That's why were picking on you hyung, to take the nervousness out.” – That’s why we’re picking on you, hyung, to take the nervousness out.
(3)“His donseangs all said in unison.” – His dongsaengs all said in unison.
Chapter 23:
(4)“If it was any other pair, she could have just left and got himself a bottle of soju than wait around and be excluded from the conversation.” – If it was any other pair, he (TOP) could have just left and get himself a bottle of soju than … conversation.
(5)“ ‘Did he like her?’ She taught to herself.” – The word should be “thought”, not “taught”.
Characterisation: 8/10
Rather good characterisation, in my opinion. Some of the personalities of the characters are very well-portrayed. For instance, TOP is easily jealous and it could easily inferred that he really is in love with Nisshi. Also, Ji Young is obsessed (haha :p) with fashion and really very sensitive, helpful and mature. =] He has a mind of his own too, clearly, with his plans and assumptions.
Writing Style: 8/10
Easy to read and understand, especially with all the wonderful footnotes, your writing style is not too bad. Also, I am glad that you wrote in paragraphs. However, to reach the impressive stage, I feel that there is a need for a wider variety of vocabulary and more descriptions of detailed actions which can reveal and highlight the emotions of characters.
Overall Enjoyment: 4.5/5
I totally loved reading this story. However, your language errors do turn me off at times. So, do strive on!
Bonus: 5/5
Your hard work is recognized. With all the footnotes and everything, I can see you are making yourself clear to the readers and wanting them to understand everything. This shows your empathy and efforts. =] However, you can put the number inside a bracket. I think it would be a better way. I LOVE BIG BANG! =] Do remember to credit me (for this review) and our site [http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/ ].
Total: 80/100
Review for Until We Meet Again
Title: Until We Meet Again
Author: Lucia
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lucia3/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -10/10 Personally I think that the title suits the story perfectly.
Foreword : -8/10 Your forewords were good and I liked them a lot, but I felt like maybe something’s missing..
Appearance : -10/10 The background is really beautiful and it’s really easy to read the text on it. The poster looks pretty,yet simple.
Plot : -13/15 Your plot is actually something I have seen a lot before,but some parts of it made it unique from the other stories.
Flow : -10/10 It was perfect for a one-shot.
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 I Think I noticed a few tiny mistakes,but I don’t judge that too harsh.
Characterization : -7/10 I think you could add more information about the characters of your story,it doesn’t tell something really interesting about them.
Writing Style : -10/10 Loved your writing style, it was simple to read and to look at.
Overall Enjoyment : -4/5
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -95/105
Congratulations! You’re score is really good.
I enjoyed reading your story,well as I sad a little bit of details here and there and it would be even better.Don’t be upset or anything! The score is really good!
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Author: Lucia
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lucia3/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -10/10 Personally I think that the title suits the story perfectly.
Foreword : -8/10 Your forewords were good and I liked them a lot, but I felt like maybe something’s missing..
Appearance : -10/10 The background is really beautiful and it’s really easy to read the text on it. The poster looks pretty,yet simple.
Plot : -13/15 Your plot is actually something I have seen a lot before,but some parts of it made it unique from the other stories.
Flow : -10/10 It was perfect for a one-shot.
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 I Think I noticed a few tiny mistakes,but I don’t judge that too harsh.
Characterization : -7/10 I think you could add more information about the characters of your story,it doesn’t tell something really interesting about them.
Writing Style : -10/10 Loved your writing style, it was simple to read and to look at.
Overall Enjoyment : -4/5
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -95/105
Congratulations! You’re score is really good.
I enjoyed reading your story,well as I sad a little bit of details here and there and it would be even better.Don’t be upset or anything! The score is really good!
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
One-Shot for Park Ji Rae
Tittle: You Belong to Me..
One-Shot Writer: Euki
For: Park Ji Rae
*****
"Oppa! It's hurting me! Please pull it out!" I begged as I clenches on the bed. But, Jaejoong oppa is not listening to me. He didn't even bother to look at me.
"Don't worry, this will not take that long." Jaejoong said, as he smirked at me. I felt afraid, and betrayed. Even if I try to refuse, I can't. I love him so much. I love Jaejoong oppa.
"Oh damn, you're getting tighter and tighter huh?" He said, as he pumps on my in a slow pace. He holds into my shoulders as he started to thrusts on me hardly, his usual style. I'm still clenching on the bed because of the pain I am feeling in between my legs. Moreover, I don't want this to stop. The more he do this to me, the more he's hurting me, I the more I want him to be mine.
Jaejoong oppa keeps pumping on me. On the other hand, I keep thinking of him. The fake Jaejoong whose very sweet to other girls, the fake Jaejoong who cares for girls, that damn Jaejoong that is so freaking fake! But for me, he is only sweet and caring when he needs something. When he wants me to do something he know I can do, or sometimes, like this. Torturing me by wreaking his lust using me.
"Uh, I'm coming!" Jaejoong oppa groans as he pumps on me faster than ever. He penetrated me so tenderly, as if there is no tomorrow. He grunted in pleasure as he release his cum inside me. He get off of me, and collects his clothes. He kisses my forehead seductively before he leaves.
"See yah tomorrow." His only words after taking what he wants from me. No "thank you".
************************************************************
[At our school]
"Hi girls!" Jaejoong said as he went towards the group of girls who look like sluts. The girls giggles as they saw my oppa coming to them. One of them almost fainted when oppa winks. Jaejoong oppa smiles, chuckles, act cool. How fake.
I rolled my eyes as before walking away. But then, someone grabbed my wrists.
"Come on, hold my bag." Jae oppa said as he looks at me as if I'm a maid whatever. I glared at him.
"Why does you have to be so fucking fake towards those stupid girls?!" I mumbles. Jaejoong oppa pinch me in my stomach.
"Just shut the hell up! Hold this, or you want me to fuck you again with no mercy?!" Jaejoong oppa threatens me. I shivers as I took his bag from his hands.
"That's my good sister." He said, chuckling as he tapped my shoulders. I have no choice. I can say no, but I can't. I don't know why.
Suddenly, someone has tapped my shoulders again. I thought it was Jaejoong, but not. It's Changmin, the nicest guy that I've ever met.
"Are you free tonight?" Changmin asked me. I lowered my head a little bit. I can sense that Changmin got nervous because he might assume I will say no.
"Yeah, I am. Why?" I asked him. Changmin's face lighten up as I gave him the reply he's been waiting for.
"Erm, ah. . I just wanted to treat your dinner. You know, friendly date." He replied shyly. I cling on his arms and grin at him.
"Okay! Let's meet at the park at 6:00 pm!" I told him. I cling on his arms, because I know Jaejoong oppa is watching us. Good for him. Good for him to get jealous.
************************************************************
[At home]
I arrived at home. I went hurriedly to my closet, picking up the perfect dress for the date. When the black halter dress sparks in front me, I took it out and try it on. One word that describes me and the dress, perfect. I know I look beautiful wearing that.
I was putting some make up on when Jaejoong opens the door and slammed it to be close. He went to me with his fierce looks. I got chills since honestly, every time he goes here in my room, there's always a grin drawn in his face.
"Preparing for your fucking date huh?" Jaejoong oppa said sarcastically. I looked at him confusedly.
"How did you know?" I asked. He looks at me with his infamous smirk.
"Oh damn, do you think I'm that stupid?!" He exclaims.
"Why are you acting like that? You don't care for me right? So, what's the use of getting mad of me because of having a date?!" I yelled back. He didn't answer verbally, but he grabbed my hands and slammed me on the wall. He forcefully kisses me. I just let him do that, since I know where will this go.
"JiRae, please don't meet up with Changmin. . ." He said to me in a gentle voice. I gave him with a curious looks. Because I am really curious.
"Why? It's just a friendly date." I replied. He lowers his head. I think he's crying since I can hear him sniff.
"I don't want you to go. JiRae, I know I'm acting like a jerk to you. But, that's my way to show. . " He paused as he looked deeply into my eyes.
"Oppa, I'm tired of your lies. Please, let me be happy. I can still be your slave if you want." I begged, as I always do.
"No JiRae. You know what, being a jerk to you, is my way to show my love and care. That's me." Jaejoong oppa said shyly. My eyes widened. What I heard seems unbelievable.
"You love me? That's why you are always acting like a jerk to me? Don't tell me. . ." I stopped, my cheeks are already wet because of my tears.
"Yeah, I'm just faking my kindness to those girls. Because I hate them. But JiRae, believe me, I really love you. I will change if you want. I'm gonna be a better person just for you." Jaejoong oppa stated. It touch my heart so much. It made me happy as well. I smiled as at him as I caressed his smooth face.
"You don't have to be a better person for me. You're already the best, in my eyes." I replied. He leaned closer to me, and captured my lips. For the very first time, I felt being loved in the way he kissed me. It's so serene.
That night, we stay in each other arms, making each other feel how we love one another.
One-Shot Writer: Euki
For: Park Ji Rae
*****
"Oppa! It's hurting me! Please pull it out!" I begged as I clenches on the bed. But, Jaejoong oppa is not listening to me. He didn't even bother to look at me.
"Don't worry, this will not take that long." Jaejoong said, as he smirked at me. I felt afraid, and betrayed. Even if I try to refuse, I can't. I love him so much. I love Jaejoong oppa.
"Oh damn, you're getting tighter and tighter huh?" He said, as he pumps on my in a slow pace. He holds into my shoulders as he started to thrusts on me hardly, his usual style. I'm still clenching on the bed because of the pain I am feeling in between my legs. Moreover, I don't want this to stop. The more he do this to me, the more he's hurting me, I the more I want him to be mine.
Jaejoong oppa keeps pumping on me. On the other hand, I keep thinking of him. The fake Jaejoong whose very sweet to other girls, the fake Jaejoong who cares for girls, that damn Jaejoong that is so freaking fake! But for me, he is only sweet and caring when he needs something. When he wants me to do something he know I can do, or sometimes, like this. Torturing me by wreaking his lust using me.
"Uh, I'm coming!" Jaejoong oppa groans as he pumps on me faster than ever. He penetrated me so tenderly, as if there is no tomorrow. He grunted in pleasure as he release his cum inside me. He get off of me, and collects his clothes. He kisses my forehead seductively before he leaves.
"See yah tomorrow." His only words after taking what he wants from me. No "thank you".
************************************************************
[At our school]
"Hi girls!" Jaejoong said as he went towards the group of girls who look like sluts. The girls giggles as they saw my oppa coming to them. One of them almost fainted when oppa winks. Jaejoong oppa smiles, chuckles, act cool. How fake.
I rolled my eyes as before walking away. But then, someone grabbed my wrists.
"Come on, hold my bag." Jae oppa said as he looks at me as if I'm a maid whatever. I glared at him.
"Why does you have to be so fucking fake towards those stupid girls?!" I mumbles. Jaejoong oppa pinch me in my stomach.
"Just shut the hell up! Hold this, or you want me to fuck you again with no mercy?!" Jaejoong oppa threatens me. I shivers as I took his bag from his hands.
"That's my good sister." He said, chuckling as he tapped my shoulders. I have no choice. I can say no, but I can't. I don't know why.
Suddenly, someone has tapped my shoulders again. I thought it was Jaejoong, but not. It's Changmin, the nicest guy that I've ever met.
"Are you free tonight?" Changmin asked me. I lowered my head a little bit. I can sense that Changmin got nervous because he might assume I will say no.
"Yeah, I am. Why?" I asked him. Changmin's face lighten up as I gave him the reply he's been waiting for.
"Erm, ah. . I just wanted to treat your dinner. You know, friendly date." He replied shyly. I cling on his arms and grin at him.
"Okay! Let's meet at the park at 6:00 pm!" I told him. I cling on his arms, because I know Jaejoong oppa is watching us. Good for him. Good for him to get jealous.
************************************************************
[At home]
I arrived at home. I went hurriedly to my closet, picking up the perfect dress for the date. When the black halter dress sparks in front me, I took it out and try it on. One word that describes me and the dress, perfect. I know I look beautiful wearing that.
I was putting some make up on when Jaejoong opens the door and slammed it to be close. He went to me with his fierce looks. I got chills since honestly, every time he goes here in my room, there's always a grin drawn in his face.
"Preparing for your fucking date huh?" Jaejoong oppa said sarcastically. I looked at him confusedly.
"How did you know?" I asked. He looks at me with his infamous smirk.
"Oh damn, do you think I'm that stupid?!" He exclaims.
"Why are you acting like that? You don't care for me right? So, what's the use of getting mad of me because of having a date?!" I yelled back. He didn't answer verbally, but he grabbed my hands and slammed me on the wall. He forcefully kisses me. I just let him do that, since I know where will this go.
"JiRae, please don't meet up with Changmin. . ." He said to me in a gentle voice. I gave him with a curious looks. Because I am really curious.
"Why? It's just a friendly date." I replied. He lowers his head. I think he's crying since I can hear him sniff.
"I don't want you to go. JiRae, I know I'm acting like a jerk to you. But, that's my way to show. . " He paused as he looked deeply into my eyes.
"Oppa, I'm tired of your lies. Please, let me be happy. I can still be your slave if you want." I begged, as I always do.
"No JiRae. You know what, being a jerk to you, is my way to show my love and care. That's me." Jaejoong oppa said shyly. My eyes widened. What I heard seems unbelievable.
"You love me? That's why you are always acting like a jerk to me? Don't tell me. . ." I stopped, my cheeks are already wet because of my tears.
"Yeah, I'm just faking my kindness to those girls. Because I hate them. But JiRae, believe me, I really love you. I will change if you want. I'm gonna be a better person just for you." Jaejoong oppa stated. It touch my heart so much. It made me happy as well. I smiled as at him as I caressed his smooth face.
"You don't have to be a better person for me. You're already the best, in my eyes." I replied. He leaned closer to me, and captured my lips. For the very first time, I felt being loved in the way he kissed me. It's so serene.
That night, we stay in each other arms, making each other feel how we love one another.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Review for Breakout
Story Tittle: Breakout
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/cheche/
Author: cheche
Reviewer: xiaoxi
Title: 3/10
Since your story was not completed when I was sent the review request, I figured that the linkage from your story to title only appears in the later part of the story. All in all, I failed to see any connection of ‘Breakout’ in the story. I suggest you start creating the linkage, otherwise the title would not fit in with the story.
Is it So Hee breaking out of her shell? Or did somebody break out in cold sweat? A break out of zits?
Foreword: 4/10
I always find it important to never reveal the plot in forewords. The readers basically know what is going to happen, and because you also provided brief characteristics of the characters, it leaves readers with very little space for finding out more of your story by themselves. I would say readers won’t really be anticipating each update as much because they know what will be happening. It was a relief you’ve excluded the ending from your plot. Instead of directly telling readers of your plot, I suggest you slowly build it up through the chapters and lead the readers into understanding the plot by themselves. Not to mention, you are depending all on the given plot to lure readers. Why not include an excerpt from the story?
It was a bit confusing how the names differ from the ‘main cast’ list and the ‘plot’. take for example, under the main cast list, Ye Eun was spelt with ‘Ye’ but under the plot, it was spelt with ‘Yae’. it is also the case for Hyun A (Hyeon A) and Sun Ye (Sun Yae). As I am familiar with the characters, I don’t really find it much of a problem. However, if your reader happens to be someone new to them, they might find it confusing why their names are spelt differently. Is it a twin sister? Or is it the same person?
I also suggest that you create another section under ‘Author’s Notes’ - or simply A/N - to interact with your readers, instead of using ‘BTW’.
Appearance: 7/10
The poster gave a pretty good idea who is going to be paired with whom. However, the background did not really match the colours of your poster in my opinion. I didn’t really deduct a lot of marks since the text colour was still readable against your background colour.
Plot: 9/15
The plot wasn’t exactly original, but overall it was enjoyable.
Flow: 6/10
‘Breakout’ seems to be a day-to-day life of So Hee and her classmates, but the pace is a little quick. Taking for example Yoo Bin’s realization of such a mean person she has been. If she has been with her clique for that long, it’s going to take more struggling and self-convincing to leave them, but it was all summarized into a few paragraphs.
Originality: 7/10
Not exactly a fully original plot, but hey, who can really come up with a 100% original plot nowadays? The little twists in your story makes it interesting to read, although sometimes the flow is a little too quick.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 3/10
The first alphabet to a new sentence should always be capitalized. You also tend to jump between your past and present tense. Perhaps these are all careless mistakes, but the occurrences are too frequent. I suggest you proofread your work after typing them. You can try to type in Microsoft Words before copying and pasting onto Winglin. Microsoft Words will be able to pick out and minimize your mistakes effectively.
Your story also changes between writing in paragraphs and writing in script form. For writings, never use script form! What are the chances of you stepping into a bookstore and picking up a random book to find that it is in script form? Stories are not meant to come looking like scripts. You’re writing a fiction here, not a script. Even if that whole portion of the story is based on dialogues, you should use quotation marks (“…“ or ‘…’).
I found it amusing how So Hee was “crying again and again” in Chapter 2. Did she stop in between her crying? Because after she cried “again and again”, she talked to her friend and “cried again, but this time it was hard”. Seems like she has been holding quite a number of crying sessions. Also from the same paragraph in Chapter 2, you said:
“The 2 of them stayed there. Sun Mi is comforting her. And she was crying, releasing her anger from what happened awhile ago.”
The reason why I picked out this portion was because numbers below ten should always be spelt in full when you are writing, therefore instead of ‘2 of them’, you should use ‘two of them’. Notice also that there was an abrupt change in tense. ‘Stayed’, ‘was’ and ‘happened’ implied that it was past tense, but you wrote “Sun Mi IS comforting her”.
You said:
“So Hee’s eyes was still filled some droplets of tears.”
I suggest:
“So Hee’s eyes still sparkled with tears.” OR
“So Hee’s eyes were still brimming with tears.”
You cannot actually count the droplets of tears in her eyes unless they fall onto her cheek drop wise. “Sparkled” or “brimming” would be a good substitute as they still allow the sentence to hold its actual meaning.
You said:
"I left them because I thought I was happy being with them."
Why would Yoo Bin leave the group if she’s happy being with them? I get that you are trying to say, but it was phrased in a rather odd manner.
I suggest:
“I stayed with them because I thought that was true happiness. Now I realise how wrong I’ve been.”
You said:
"geez--Thanks :D"
This was So Hee’s reply to Yoo Bin when the latter offered her a ride. The reason I picked this sentence was because you failed to capitalize the first letter (which I’ve pointed out to be occurring frequently) and it is actually impossible to have a smiley face in your speech. You don’t actually say “Geez, thanks. Colon D” when you’re talking to people, do you? Therefore, it should be:
“Geez, thanks!” So Hee grinned.
Take note to leave your smilies out of your other dialogues. I noticed you often tend to place a smiley in a sentence.
Characterization: 6/10
I understand it was challenging to develop all the characters of your main cast.
Since you have so many people in your main cast, I shall not go into each and every character. I’m focusing it on Hyun A and Yoo Bin here.
Initially I saw Hyun A as a member of the ‘good girls’ of the class, but suddenly she was the mastermind of the attack incidents happening to Sun Mi. The change in character was really too quick. If it was because of how she’s jealous of Sun Mi, shouldn’t the jealousy build up over time? Therefore, it would have been better if you built up the growing tension instead of shocking your readers with a surprise attack. Or maybe you just wanted a cliff-hanger type of effect? I suggest you build up the tension and leave readers to wonder what Hyun A might do when she can’t take it anymore. That way, it wouldn’t come too abruptly.
As for Yoo Bin, didn’t she already realise what she has been doing all along was wrong? Which was why she did some soul-searching and decided to leave her clique? It was confusing how she had been reflecting upon her own actions and yet disclosed embarrassing photos of So Hee, Sun Mi and Hyun A. If she had wanted to stay mean, then the self realization should be excluded.
Writing Style: 7/10
A day-to-day based story, easy to comprehend. However, try not to change the way you spell their names because it gets confusing, as I’ve mentioned earlier. This is especially the case for TOP/Seung Hyun. For Sun Ye, Ye Eun and Hyun A, readers can still guess that it is them because of the similar names. But TOP and Seung Hyun are two different names altogether, so take note.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
Bonus: 1/5
I like authors who take the time to reply to comments :)
Total: 55/100
Reviewer’s note:
Please don’t be disheartened by the total score you’ve received. You have a very interesting story there and I believe it is unfolding into something worth reading. However, you have to work on your Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary as it is this section which is pulling you down. Bear in mind what I have pointed out, because this is meant to help you to improve.
Before I forget, you have to make a linkage back to your title of ‘Breakout‘! It is essential as your title represents your story, but I cannot see the linkage as of yet. Good luck and thanks for requesting!
Xiaoxi, loves.
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/cheche/
Author: cheche
Reviewer: xiaoxi
Title: 3/10
Since your story was not completed when I was sent the review request, I figured that the linkage from your story to title only appears in the later part of the story. All in all, I failed to see any connection of ‘Breakout’ in the story. I suggest you start creating the linkage, otherwise the title would not fit in with the story.
Is it So Hee breaking out of her shell? Or did somebody break out in cold sweat? A break out of zits?
Foreword: 4/10
I always find it important to never reveal the plot in forewords. The readers basically know what is going to happen, and because you also provided brief characteristics of the characters, it leaves readers with very little space for finding out more of your story by themselves. I would say readers won’t really be anticipating each update as much because they know what will be happening. It was a relief you’ve excluded the ending from your plot. Instead of directly telling readers of your plot, I suggest you slowly build it up through the chapters and lead the readers into understanding the plot by themselves. Not to mention, you are depending all on the given plot to lure readers. Why not include an excerpt from the story?
It was a bit confusing how the names differ from the ‘main cast’ list and the ‘plot’. take for example, under the main cast list, Ye Eun was spelt with ‘Ye’ but under the plot, it was spelt with ‘Yae’. it is also the case for Hyun A (Hyeon A) and Sun Ye (Sun Yae). As I am familiar with the characters, I don’t really find it much of a problem. However, if your reader happens to be someone new to them, they might find it confusing why their names are spelt differently. Is it a twin sister? Or is it the same person?
I also suggest that you create another section under ‘Author’s Notes’ - or simply A/N - to interact with your readers, instead of using ‘BTW’.
Appearance: 7/10
The poster gave a pretty good idea who is going to be paired with whom. However, the background did not really match the colours of your poster in my opinion. I didn’t really deduct a lot of marks since the text colour was still readable against your background colour.
Plot: 9/15
The plot wasn’t exactly original, but overall it was enjoyable.
Flow: 6/10
‘Breakout’ seems to be a day-to-day life of So Hee and her classmates, but the pace is a little quick. Taking for example Yoo Bin’s realization of such a mean person she has been. If she has been with her clique for that long, it’s going to take more struggling and self-convincing to leave them, but it was all summarized into a few paragraphs.
Originality: 7/10
Not exactly a fully original plot, but hey, who can really come up with a 100% original plot nowadays? The little twists in your story makes it interesting to read, although sometimes the flow is a little too quick.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 3/10
The first alphabet to a new sentence should always be capitalized. You also tend to jump between your past and present tense. Perhaps these are all careless mistakes, but the occurrences are too frequent. I suggest you proofread your work after typing them. You can try to type in Microsoft Words before copying and pasting onto Winglin. Microsoft Words will be able to pick out and minimize your mistakes effectively.
Your story also changes between writing in paragraphs and writing in script form. For writings, never use script form! What are the chances of you stepping into a bookstore and picking up a random book to find that it is in script form? Stories are not meant to come looking like scripts. You’re writing a fiction here, not a script. Even if that whole portion of the story is based on dialogues, you should use quotation marks (“…“ or ‘…’).
I found it amusing how So Hee was “crying again and again” in Chapter 2. Did she stop in between her crying? Because after she cried “again and again”, she talked to her friend and “cried again, but this time it was hard”. Seems like she has been holding quite a number of crying sessions. Also from the same paragraph in Chapter 2, you said:
“The 2 of them stayed there. Sun Mi is comforting her. And she was crying, releasing her anger from what happened awhile ago.”
The reason why I picked out this portion was because numbers below ten should always be spelt in full when you are writing, therefore instead of ‘2 of them’, you should use ‘two of them’. Notice also that there was an abrupt change in tense. ‘Stayed’, ‘was’ and ‘happened’ implied that it was past tense, but you wrote “Sun Mi IS comforting her”.
You said:
“So Hee’s eyes was still filled some droplets of tears.”
I suggest:
“So Hee’s eyes still sparkled with tears.” OR
“So Hee’s eyes were still brimming with tears.”
You cannot actually count the droplets of tears in her eyes unless they fall onto her cheek drop wise. “Sparkled” or “brimming” would be a good substitute as they still allow the sentence to hold its actual meaning.
You said:
"I left them because I thought I was happy being with them."
Why would Yoo Bin leave the group if she’s happy being with them? I get that you are trying to say, but it was phrased in a rather odd manner.
I suggest:
“I stayed with them because I thought that was true happiness. Now I realise how wrong I’ve been.”
You said:
"geez--Thanks :D"
This was So Hee’s reply to Yoo Bin when the latter offered her a ride. The reason I picked this sentence was because you failed to capitalize the first letter (which I’ve pointed out to be occurring frequently) and it is actually impossible to have a smiley face in your speech. You don’t actually say “Geez, thanks. Colon D” when you’re talking to people, do you? Therefore, it should be:
“Geez, thanks!” So Hee grinned.
Take note to leave your smilies out of your other dialogues. I noticed you often tend to place a smiley in a sentence.
Characterization: 6/10
I understand it was challenging to develop all the characters of your main cast.
Since you have so many people in your main cast, I shall not go into each and every character. I’m focusing it on Hyun A and Yoo Bin here.
Initially I saw Hyun A as a member of the ‘good girls’ of the class, but suddenly she was the mastermind of the attack incidents happening to Sun Mi. The change in character was really too quick. If it was because of how she’s jealous of Sun Mi, shouldn’t the jealousy build up over time? Therefore, it would have been better if you built up the growing tension instead of shocking your readers with a surprise attack. Or maybe you just wanted a cliff-hanger type of effect? I suggest you build up the tension and leave readers to wonder what Hyun A might do when she can’t take it anymore. That way, it wouldn’t come too abruptly.
As for Yoo Bin, didn’t she already realise what she has been doing all along was wrong? Which was why she did some soul-searching and decided to leave her clique? It was confusing how she had been reflecting upon her own actions and yet disclosed embarrassing photos of So Hee, Sun Mi and Hyun A. If she had wanted to stay mean, then the self realization should be excluded.
Writing Style: 7/10
A day-to-day based story, easy to comprehend. However, try not to change the way you spell their names because it gets confusing, as I’ve mentioned earlier. This is especially the case for TOP/Seung Hyun. For Sun Ye, Ye Eun and Hyun A, readers can still guess that it is them because of the similar names. But TOP and Seung Hyun are two different names altogether, so take note.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
Bonus: 1/5
I like authors who take the time to reply to comments :)
Total: 55/100
Reviewer’s note:
Please don’t be disheartened by the total score you’ve received. You have a very interesting story there and I believe it is unfolding into something worth reading. However, you have to work on your Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary as it is this section which is pulling you down. Bear in mind what I have pointed out, because this is meant to help you to improve.
Before I forget, you have to make a linkage back to your title of ‘Breakout‘! It is essential as your title represents your story, but I cannot see the linkage as of yet. Good luck and thanks for requesting!
Xiaoxi, loves.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Review for Fragment
Story Tittle: Fragment
Story URL: htpp://winglin.net/fanfic/fragments/
Author: maia
Reviewer: Euki
Title: -9/10
I deducted a point since it didn't really catch my attention. Moreover, the title
suits your story well. And, I like how you emphasize the word "fragment" in
the character introduction.
Foreword: - 9/10
I love your forewords [: But, I deducted a point because the dividers you used
make me confuse a little bit. Overall, I love the forewords..
Appearance: -10/10
Full credit for this one because
-YELLOW is my favorite color, haha
-Black and mellow yellow have a good contrast for a background and font
color
-Poster is simple, but it still appeal for my eyes
Plot: -13/15
Honestly speaking, I don't really like the plot that much. It makes me realize
what if I'm in Ella's shoes. But I deducted only 2 points since it's pretty rare to
read stories with a priest involve.
Flow: -6/10
Your flow is somewhat fast for me. You should elaborate the moments
between Ella and Chun more. Also, you should have shown how Ella and
Calvin end up together.
Originality: -8/10
This story is pretty rare. But, I deducted 2 points since it's kind of cliché for
me.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -3/10
I found many mistakes.
I noticed that in your dialogue, instead of putting a period[.] after the sentence,
you are using coma[,] which is not the proper way to end your sentence.
Readers might assume that you have more to say.
In addition, every time you used words that end with "fully", you only use 1 "l"..
Example is "painfully". You spelled it "painfuly", not with double "l"..
--
You wrote: "I know. I can feel it."
Proper one: "I know because I can feel it."
--
You wrote: "At first, I myself can't get the irony of all things."
Proper: "At first, I, myself can't get the irony of all things." -you should put a
coma after "I"
--
You wrote: "It's when you'll know that you've already reached the limitation of
your life that you'll have the courage to face everything."
Proper: "It's when you'll know that you've already reached the limitation of
your life, that you'll have the courage to face everything." This is not a run-on
sentence, but you should have put a coma to separate those two ideas using
a coma, even though they are connected.
--
You wrote: "Sure he can."
Proper: "Of course he can."
--
You wrote: "I wonder why God gave me a perfect man to couple with my
imperfections."
Proper: "I wonder why God gave me a perfect man to match up my
imperfections." Using the word "couple", it does not make sense.
--
You wrote: "She looked away; clearly reluctant to continue."
Proper: "She looked away, clearly reluctant to continue."
--
You wrote: "My face is soft with all the concern for her but I'm trying my best
to stay strong."
Proper: "My face is soft with all the concern for her. However, I'm trying my
best to stay strong." It will sound better if you write it that way.
--
You wrote: "Yes. I'm a doctor."
Proper: "Yes, I'm a doctor."
--
You wrote: "You know why?"
Proper: "The reason why?"
--
You wrote: "Twelve years at that and I'm still not over him.”
Proper: "Twelve years, and I'm still not over him."
--
You wrote: "I envy those persons who can control and suppress their
emotions."
For me: "I envy those people who can control and suppress their emotions."
It sounds sophisticated for me. Also, you misspelled the word “suppress.”
--
You wrote: "I know that he knows the answer to his scripted question. No."
Proper: "I know that he knows the answer to his scripted question is a no." Its
okay to break rules when you are writing, but in this certain part, I don't think it
will work.
--
You wrote: "My jaw dropped and shock as I am, I proceeded."
Proper: "My jaw dropped and shock as I am but I proceeded."
--
You wrote: "I can't feel anything. Numb."
Proper: "I can't feel anything. I'm numb."
--
You wrote: "Or am I dreaming?"
Proper: "Am I dreaming?"
--
You wrote: "I looked up, forcing myself to take control, the common gesture
when one is begging for support."
Proper: "I looked up, forcing myself to take control. The common gesture
when one is begging for support."
Characterization: -6/10
I'm a bit confused with Ella and Chun's character. What is behind Chun's
idea of being a priest? Also, Ella's character doesn't really shine that much in
the story.
Writing Style: -8/10
I like the way you write. The metaphors and you used some challenging
vocabularies. Nevertheless, I still didn't give you full credit because of some
spelling and grammar mistakes.
Overall Enjoyment: -3/5
I enjoyed this story. But I deducted 2 points because;
-I felt awkward in the dialogue parts when you used coma instead of period.
-You made me give you the review even if the story isn't done yet. Honestly,
I'm going to be able to review your story better if you finished it, but I have no
choice since it's your decision.
Bonus: -2/5
I gave you 2 because
-This is my first ever ChunElla story
-Thanks for requesting to jjforeverdbsk.webs.
Total: -77/105
Story URL: htpp://winglin.net/fanfic/fragments/
Author: maia
Reviewer: Euki
Title: -9/10
I deducted a point since it didn't really catch my attention. Moreover, the title
suits your story well. And, I like how you emphasize the word "fragment" in
the character introduction.
Foreword: - 9/10
I love your forewords [: But, I deducted a point because the dividers you used
make me confuse a little bit. Overall, I love the forewords..
Appearance: -10/10
Full credit for this one because
-YELLOW is my favorite color, haha
-Black and mellow yellow have a good contrast for a background and font
color
-Poster is simple, but it still appeal for my eyes
Plot: -13/15
Honestly speaking, I don't really like the plot that much. It makes me realize
what if I'm in Ella's shoes. But I deducted only 2 points since it's pretty rare to
read stories with a priest involve.
Flow: -6/10
Your flow is somewhat fast for me. You should elaborate the moments
between Ella and Chun more. Also, you should have shown how Ella and
Calvin end up together.
Originality: -8/10
This story is pretty rare. But, I deducted 2 points since it's kind of cliché for
me.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -3/10
I found many mistakes.
I noticed that in your dialogue, instead of putting a period[.] after the sentence,
you are using coma[,] which is not the proper way to end your sentence.
Readers might assume that you have more to say.
In addition, every time you used words that end with "fully", you only use 1 "l"..
Example is "painfully". You spelled it "painfuly", not with double "l"..
--
You wrote: "I know. I can feel it."
Proper one: "I know because I can feel it."
--
You wrote: "At first, I myself can't get the irony of all things."
Proper: "At first, I, myself can't get the irony of all things." -you should put a
coma after "I"
--
You wrote: "It's when you'll know that you've already reached the limitation of
your life that you'll have the courage to face everything."
Proper: "It's when you'll know that you've already reached the limitation of
your life, that you'll have the courage to face everything." This is not a run-on
sentence, but you should have put a coma to separate those two ideas using
a coma, even though they are connected.
--
You wrote: "Sure he can."
Proper: "Of course he can."
--
You wrote: "I wonder why God gave me a perfect man to couple with my
imperfections."
Proper: "I wonder why God gave me a perfect man to match up my
imperfections." Using the word "couple", it does not make sense.
--
You wrote: "She looked away; clearly reluctant to continue."
Proper: "She looked away, clearly reluctant to continue."
--
You wrote: "My face is soft with all the concern for her but I'm trying my best
to stay strong."
Proper: "My face is soft with all the concern for her. However, I'm trying my
best to stay strong." It will sound better if you write it that way.
--
You wrote: "Yes. I'm a doctor."
Proper: "Yes, I'm a doctor."
--
You wrote: "You know why?"
Proper: "The reason why?"
--
You wrote: "Twelve years at that and I'm still not over him.”
Proper: "Twelve years, and I'm still not over him."
--
You wrote: "I envy those persons who can control and suppress their
emotions."
For me: "I envy those people who can control and suppress their emotions."
It sounds sophisticated for me. Also, you misspelled the word “suppress.”
--
You wrote: "I know that he knows the answer to his scripted question. No."
Proper: "I know that he knows the answer to his scripted question is a no." Its
okay to break rules when you are writing, but in this certain part, I don't think it
will work.
--
You wrote: "My jaw dropped and shock as I am, I proceeded."
Proper: "My jaw dropped and shock as I am but I proceeded."
--
You wrote: "I can't feel anything. Numb."
Proper: "I can't feel anything. I'm numb."
--
You wrote: "Or am I dreaming?"
Proper: "Am I dreaming?"
--
You wrote: "I looked up, forcing myself to take control, the common gesture
when one is begging for support."
Proper: "I looked up, forcing myself to take control. The common gesture
when one is begging for support."
Characterization: -6/10
I'm a bit confused with Ella and Chun's character. What is behind Chun's
idea of being a priest? Also, Ella's character doesn't really shine that much in
the story.
Writing Style: -8/10
I like the way you write. The metaphors and you used some challenging
vocabularies. Nevertheless, I still didn't give you full credit because of some
spelling and grammar mistakes.
Overall Enjoyment: -3/5
I enjoyed this story. But I deducted 2 points because;
-I felt awkward in the dialogue parts when you used coma instead of period.
-You made me give you the review even if the story isn't done yet. Honestly,
I'm going to be able to review your story better if you finished it, but I have no
choice since it's your decision.
Bonus: -2/5
I gave you 2 because
-This is my first ever ChunElla story
-Thanks for requesting to jjforeverdbsk.webs.
Total: -77/105
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Review for Gangster In Love
Title: Gangster In Love
Author: EuKi
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Jaebom_Eunhye/
Reviewer: taexiah_gesuk
Review Rubric
Title: 9/10
The title goes along with the story line finely, although the title doesn't
have much of a catch to it. If i see it on wingling its a 50% chance that i'll click
it and 50% that i won't. But don't take that badly i'd consider it a good thing.
Foreword: 10/10
I personally, really enjoyed reading your foreword. although you gave a bit too much info about the story line.
but it really did make me wonder how the story will end. great job on asking the readers the questions. that will give them
an arge to read this fanfic.
Appearance: 10/10
the Apperance is nice. it's color is very cold and dark for Jaebum is very cold and dark.
great job to whomever made it.
Plot: 15/15
The plot of the story and the drama/action is very nice. detailed and nicely done.
but than again, a fanfic with a rude/mean/killer gangster falling in love is well-known.
Flow: 7/10
The flow of the story is quite fast. i got confused while reading chapter one.
a bit slower would'nt hurt.
Originality: 9/10
the story itself so far, is entertaining. but the pace is still a bit fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/10
spelling is good but most of the time you forgot to use past tense or future tense. [ex: eat=ate give=gave]
[You mess up with him, you're a raw meat.]
Although your writing skills isn't that bad, you still may have to work on where to put your words, i'd write
"You mess with him, you're raw meat."
spelling is nicely checked, but your wording doesn't fit in their sentence.
Characterization: 10/10
You've explain extreamly well about each character and what they do.
Writing Style: 8/10
i gave you an 8 because your writing style is readable and understanable too ALTHOUGH there were a few spelling mistakes here and there but it was okay.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Although you made a few mistakes, i really enjoyed reading this story.
i and the daRKsiDE family encourages you to keep writing fanfic, your a great writer, learning a bit
more here and there is good.
Bonus: 5/5
Total: 88/100
88 is a so, so score. If it was my score i'd be glad about it.
I think that you have a very good sense of detail and character, keep up your good work.
daRKsiDE and I encourages you to keep writing^-^
Author: EuKi
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Jaebom_Eunhye/
Reviewer: taexiah_gesuk
Review Rubric
Title: 9/10
The title goes along with the story line finely, although the title doesn't
have much of a catch to it. If i see it on wingling its a 50% chance that i'll click
it and 50% that i won't. But don't take that badly i'd consider it a good thing.
Foreword: 10/10
I personally, really enjoyed reading your foreword. although you gave a bit too much info about the story line.
but it really did make me wonder how the story will end. great job on asking the readers the questions. that will give them
an arge to read this fanfic.
Appearance: 10/10
the Apperance is nice. it's color is very cold and dark for Jaebum is very cold and dark.
great job to whomever made it.
Plot: 15/15
The plot of the story and the drama/action is very nice. detailed and nicely done.
but than again, a fanfic with a rude/mean/killer gangster falling in love is well-known.
Flow: 7/10
The flow of the story is quite fast. i got confused while reading chapter one.
a bit slower would'nt hurt.
Originality: 9/10
the story itself so far, is entertaining. but the pace is still a bit fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/10
spelling is good but most of the time you forgot to use past tense or future tense. [ex: eat=ate give=gave]
[You mess up with him, you're a raw meat.]
Although your writing skills isn't that bad, you still may have to work on where to put your words, i'd write
"You mess with him, you're raw meat."
spelling is nicely checked, but your wording doesn't fit in their sentence.
Characterization: 10/10
You've explain extreamly well about each character and what they do.
Writing Style: 8/10
i gave you an 8 because your writing style is readable and understanable too ALTHOUGH there were a few spelling mistakes here and there but it was okay.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Although you made a few mistakes, i really enjoyed reading this story.
i and the daRKsiDE family encourages you to keep writing fanfic, your a great writer, learning a bit
more here and there is good.
Bonus: 5/5
Total: 88/100
88 is a so, so score. If it was my score i'd be glad about it.
I think that you have a very good sense of detail and character, keep up your good work.
daRKsiDE and I encourages you to keep writing^-^
Friday, December 4, 2009
Review for Figment
Story Title: Figment
Story URL:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_tm_Figment/
Author: th1rd3ye
Reviewer: KawaIIPuddIng
Title: -10/10
I loved the title! It was short, plain but meaningful. It was the perfect title for your story!
Foreword: -8/10
Your foreword was amazing. I loved how you described your story and with all the teasers. With the teasers for every chapter, you kept your readers curious and anxious to read your story.I deducted 2 points though because you should've described the characters first.
Appearance: -10/10
BoBoLi0us did a wonderful job on the poster. The poster really brought out the mood of the story. I could feel this sad feeling when I saw the poster and straight away I knew it was a sad story. The text was also easy to read so full marks!
Plot: -12/15
When I first read your story, I thought that this would be a plain, boring and normal love story ending with sadness so I deducted 3 points. But the ending made me think differently so 12 points. You could use more twists in the beginning of the story though so it won't be too plain and simple.
Flow: -7/10
Based on my opinion, you were rushing it. There's no need to rush. Just take your time. I got lost several times reading your story. You should slow down a bit and describe what is happening to the next point not like when your in a scene and you suddenly go to another scene. Is this hard to understand? Well in easier words, just be slower but not too. ^^
Originality: -10/10
It was real original! I haven't read a story like this ever in my whole life! The ending was sad and touching. I LOVED it! I don't know how you thought of a plot like this but you really did a good job on this story. There's not too much plotlines or twists. It was plain at first but in the end it was really meaningful. the ending was where everything was.....showed. The poster, the title and the originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -10/10
It's either because you have no mistakes at all or it's just because there's something wrong with my eyes. Not a single thing was wrong! Since I have nothing to correct here, off to the next one!
Characterization: -9/10
You described the characters and the surroundings well but you could describe the surroundings more so your readers can imagine the place/surrounding well.
Writing Style: -9/10
The chapters was too short. Don't you think so? Well overall it was great!
Overall Enjoyment: -4/5
Well it was boring at first but as I said it a million times before, I LOVE THE ENDING!!!
Bonus: -3/5
~ It was original
~ Love the ending
Total: -92/100
Story URL:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_tm_Figment/
Author: th1rd3ye
Reviewer: KawaIIPuddIng
Title: -10/10
I loved the title! It was short, plain but meaningful. It was the perfect title for your story!
Foreword: -8/10
Your foreword was amazing. I loved how you described your story and with all the teasers. With the teasers for every chapter, you kept your readers curious and anxious to read your story.I deducted 2 points though because you should've described the characters first.
Appearance: -10/10
BoBoLi0us did a wonderful job on the poster. The poster really brought out the mood of the story. I could feel this sad feeling when I saw the poster and straight away I knew it was a sad story. The text was also easy to read so full marks!
Plot: -12/15
When I first read your story, I thought that this would be a plain, boring and normal love story ending with sadness so I deducted 3 points. But the ending made me think differently so 12 points. You could use more twists in the beginning of the story though so it won't be too plain and simple.
Flow: -7/10
Based on my opinion, you were rushing it. There's no need to rush. Just take your time. I got lost several times reading your story. You should slow down a bit and describe what is happening to the next point not like when your in a scene and you suddenly go to another scene. Is this hard to understand? Well in easier words, just be slower but not too. ^^
Originality: -10/10
It was real original! I haven't read a story like this ever in my whole life! The ending was sad and touching. I LOVED it! I don't know how you thought of a plot like this but you really did a good job on this story. There's not too much plotlines or twists. It was plain at first but in the end it was really meaningful. the ending was where everything was.....showed. The poster, the title and the originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -10/10
It's either because you have no mistakes at all or it's just because there's something wrong with my eyes. Not a single thing was wrong! Since I have nothing to correct here, off to the next one!
Characterization: -9/10
You described the characters and the surroundings well but you could describe the surroundings more so your readers can imagine the place/surrounding well.
Writing Style: -9/10
The chapters was too short. Don't you think so? Well overall it was great!
Overall Enjoyment: -4/5
Well it was boring at first but as I said it a million times before, I LOVE THE ENDING!!!
Bonus: -3/5
~ It was original
~ Love the ending
Total: -92/100
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Review for His Deceiving Look
Title: His Deceiving Look
Author: Magic Sparks
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/zilliontin0e/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -8/10 The title sounds nice,but I think it doesn’t suit that much.
Foreword : -10/10 Your forewords were awesome! As soon as I read then I wanted to read the story, good job!!
Appearance : -10/10 The poster is really beautiful, yet quite simple, the background makes reading quite easy.
Plot : -15/15 Your plot caught my attention from the first chapter.So I give you the highest score here!
Flow : -10/10 It was perfect.
Creativity/Originality : -10/10 In my opinion it was really creative!At least I never read anything with a similar plot like you have.
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 Everything was good, except for some mistakes.
Characterization : -10/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Loved your writing style,notonly the story has an interesting plot but the writing style makes you want to read it!
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 I soo enjoyed reading it! I liked everything in it~
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -102/105
Congratulations! You have a really high score!
I loved your story,it caught me from the first words, I loved your writing style.
Well there’s just one thing I can say ….
Keep up the good work! And just work a bit on the things where you lost a few points!
JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com
Author: Magic Sparks
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/zilliontin0e/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -8/10 The title sounds nice,but I think it doesn’t suit that much.
Foreword : -10/10 Your forewords were awesome! As soon as I read then I wanted to read the story, good job!!
Appearance : -10/10 The poster is really beautiful, yet quite simple, the background makes reading quite easy.
Plot : -15/15 Your plot caught my attention from the first chapter.So I give you the highest score here!
Flow : -10/10 It was perfect.
Creativity/Originality : -10/10 In my opinion it was really creative!At least I never read anything with a similar plot like you have.
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 Everything was good, except for some mistakes.
Characterization : -10/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Loved your writing style,notonly the story has an interesting plot but the writing style makes you want to read it!
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 I soo enjoyed reading it! I liked everything in it~
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -102/105
Congratulations! You have a really high score!
I loved your story,it caught me from the first words, I loved your writing style.
Well there’s just one thing I can say ….
Keep up the good work! And just work a bit on the things where you lost a few points!
JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Review for My Girl
Title: ‘My Girl’
Author: xdorkyx
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/KeyBer/
Reviewer: xiaoxi @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/ Title: 5/10
‘My Girl’ seems like a common title, and I did not manage to see the link between the title and story.
Foreword: 6/10
I had to rate you down slightly in this area, because your forewords was far too short to satisfy even the laziest of readers. I only understood it as an excerpt of Amber’s feelings towards Key, and there was no other mention about ‘My Girl’. Perhaps you would like to include a short paragraph to link your story to the title.
The big minus derived here -- you shouldn’t have given away your plot in the forewords. Readers, having known your plot, would not really be anticipating as much for your updates because they already know what would happen. Luckily you did not mention the ending. Instead of directly telling readers of your plot, I suggest you slowly build it up through the chapters and lead the readers into understanding the plot by themselves.
Appearance: 5/10
There was no poster or background, and I respect that not all authors would find it necessary to have a poster and background. However, take into consideration for the fact that first impression means a lot. If there was an attractive poster, it would capture readers. However, points were given because the black font colour is easy on the eyes when contrasted against a white background.
Plot: 9/15
The plot wasn’t exactly original, but the cute interactions between Key and Amber made up for it.
Flow: 5/10
The pace was a little quick, and at times I thought I was reading something similar to a diary. Take this paragraph for example --
“The next day, Key and Minho went to the mall. They wanted to waste money even just for that day so they bought clothes that would be perfect for the winter. After that, they went inside a coffee shop and had some cappuccino before spending the rest of day in the mall. They went window shopping after drinking some coffee and spotted someone pretty familiar to Key.”
It started off with the both of them going to the mall, then buying something, then going to the coffee shop, then spending the rest of the day just hanging around until Key spotted Amber. Perhaps you didn’t want to dwell on things that were not really Key-Amber related, but the way you had it phrased made it seem like a diary entry of some sort. And they simply wanted to “waste money”? It sounded a little weird.
I suggest you try this instead if you want to go directly into Key-Amber.
“Key and Minho took the day off to visit the mall for some winter clothes. After which, they hung around the place to chill out and do some window shopping when Key saw a familiar figure.”
Originality: 6/10
As I’ve said, the plot wasn’t exactly original because it was a tomboy-ish character in a school, and the tomboy-ish character is feeling awkward, and the story goes on to say how this character slowly leans towards being ‘girly’. I assumed Amber was slowly leaning more onto the girl side as she did not seem uncomfortable wearing a skirt around her school mates and she was skipping around school in a skirt.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4/10
I caught quite a handful. A major mistake that caught my eye was that you tend to leave out your full-stops. I thought this was a rather serious mistake because readers would not be able to know if the sentence has ended. If you had intended for the sentence to end but did not place a full-stop, readers would be confused because they do not know that it has ended.
I also spotted mistakes which I assume are typos. Taking into account that everyone makes typo errors, I would close an eye to a few typos. However, your typos occur at quite a frequent rate and at times disturb the reading pace as I have to stop and think about the word.
Your paragraphing is inconsistent. Sometimes the speech dialogue is separated into a few paragraphs, whilst at other times it appears as a whole block. Consistent paragraphing is very important, so remember to decide on how you want to paragraph your story.
There was also an instance where you said ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ (or was it ‘him’ instead of ‘her’?) when you referred to Amber. If you’re getting confused, most likely your readers are too.
Below are also some errors I’ve picked out.
You said:
“Totally, Absolutely, Definitely~”
The first alphabets should not be capitalized except for ‘T’ of Totally. You did not end ‘Totally’ and ‘Absolutely’ with a full-stop. Therefore, the correct version should be:
“Totally, absolutely, definitely.”
Notice that ‘a’ of absolutely and ‘d’ of definitely should not be capitalized.
You said:
“Oppa, since you have all my candies, can you come with me. I want to buy some in the candyshop” Key stopped from walking”
If Amber is asking a question, the sentence should end with a question mark. If you want to end it with a full-stop, it would have to be such that Amber is demanding Key to follow her. Therefore, it should be:
If Amber is asking a question, the sentence should end with a question mark. If you want to end it with a full-stop, it would have to be such that Amber is demanding Key to follow her. Therefore, it should be:
“Oppa, can you come with me since you’ve eaten all my candies?” OR
“Oppa, you have to come with me since you ate all my candies.”
Also, you used “Key stopped from walking”. It should be “Key stopped walking.”
The candy shop is two separate words, not “candyshop”.
You said:
“If you could only see Amber’s face when I said she’s pretty”
If you notice, I picked this sentence because it was incorrectly phrased and you are missing a full-stop.
It should be:
“If only you could see Amber’s face when I complimented her saying that she’s pretty.”
Characterization: 6/10
I could tell Key was a cheeky boy, and Amber seemed rather tomboy-ish. However, there was a scene where Amber was skipping around in school during curriculum hours. I don’t think it fit’s the character you’ve carved Amber into. If she is uncomfortable about wearing skirts, how come she is comfortable about skipping around school in a skirt?
Writing Style: 6/10
After one or two chapters, I got the hang of your writing style. There was less confusion because I knew the sentence has ended despite the absence of a full-stop. Paragraphing is also a problem I have mentioned earlier. You have to work hard on correcting your mistakes. However, I guess it can also be taken as your unique writing style (although it isn’t a good habit).
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I liked the interactions between Key and Amber, but sometimes it made Key seem childish and immature, such as how he calls Amber early in the morning to remind her of a pink lingerie. It also makes him ungentlemanly.
But I still enjoy seeing two of my favourite artistes together!
Bonus: 2/5
I like authors who take the time to reply to comments :)
Total: 57/100
Reviewer’s note:
I hope you will not be disheartened by the total score I have given you. Instead, I hope you would improve on what I have pointed out, especially since your story has yet to be completed. I can see you’ve been putting in effort to provide humor in your story. Before I forget, you have to make a linkage back to your title of ‘My Girl‘! It is essential as your title represents your story, but I cannot see the linkage as of yet. Good luck and thanks for requesting!
Xiaoxi, loves.
Review for Key to His Heart
Title: ‘Key to His Heart’
Author: miia186
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/miia_chul4/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -8/10 Personally, I don’t have anything against your title, well maybe you could make it a bit more mysterious.
Foreword : -10/10 Your forewords were good! As soon as I read then I wanted to read the story, good job!
Appearance : -7/10 The poster is nice, not too bright and not too dark, I like it, but maybe the background that’s the only thing that I don’t actually like that much.
Plot : -13/15 The plot is quite catchy, but I think there is something missing,like a bit more action or something like that.
Flow : -10/10 In my opinion your flow was good, if it would be a usual story then yea it would be too rushed but for a one-shot, it’s pretty nice.
Creativity/Originality : -9/10 It was creative, but as I said there’s something missing, and it makes it a bit lack of originality.
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -10/10 There were no major spelling or grammar mistakes, and your vocabulary is really good!
Characterization : -8/10 It was nice to find out the main things about the characters, but I think you needed to add a bit more of information.
Writing Style : -5/10 It wasn’t bad , but I suppose you should try finding another writing style, to make you unique J
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Yup,I sure enjoyed reading it, too bad it was a one-shot haha,want to read more!
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -90/100
It’s a pretty good score, it’s not perfect but don’t be sad about it! I see that you are a good writer so just keep working and try to pay more attention to your writing style, arrange it in some interesting way maybe, but not confusing at the same time and add more information to the characters profiles.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Review for Promise
Story: Promise by Vi3tjcn
Reviewed by: th1rd3ye
Title: 7/10
Your title is rather common so I could not give you a higher mark. However, this title will still be able to stir up interest in readers as they would be curious about what promise the characters made to each other.
Foreword: 3.5/10
I did not know how to judge you on this since you only wrote a few words, at first. After thinking about it, I know you are trying to get your readers’ interest aroused with those few words. However, I think you should include maybe some snippets of their past memories or when they made the promise. In other words, you could have put in some small parts of your one-shot in the foreword to lure the readers into reading more. Maybe you could have used a paragraph to emphasis on how perfectly compatible Boa and Jae Joong were. With such a paragraph in the foreword, the despair of losing Boa in the end will be stronger and will surely leave a deeper impression on the reader. Do strive on.
Appearance: 6.5/10
I would say that the appearance was alright. At least the font colour fits with the dark background and so reading the fanfic will not be a hard task. Readers do not have to strain their eyes. However, I think the poster is not at its best yet. Somehow, the mood of the story is not brought out. Maybe it is the pictures used in the poster. Perhaps, you could put in pictures of Boa smiling and Jae Joong looking emotional and try to blend them together. Black is an appropriate colour but maybe you could use some other colours such as blue or purple to enhance the feel of the poster.
Plot: 10/15
Your plot is not unusual so I could not give you a higher score. However, I feel that you have managed to add your own style into writing this one shot. Though this plot is common, you had your own way of telling the story to readers. The setting of Boa’s death is different from endings of other similar stories (Usually, the writers will just have the bride dead in the wedding hall.) So, not bad! You can do better, though.
Flow: 10/10
Flow of the story is just right. Not too fast and not too slow, in this one-shot, the developments are written in a perfect pace, allowing the readers to grasp the unfolding events easily.
Originality: 7/10
As I have mentioned earlier, such a plot is quite common. However, as I have mentioned above too, you certainly have your own way of writing and your own ideas. So I can see that you are rather original and creative.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4.5/10
I think you should proofread your story a few more times. In your one-shot, I would say that the mistakes are too much. For example, “Her dads smiled and lead her out of the dressing room”. Firstly, I was amused when I saw the word “dads”. How many fathers does Boa have? Then I realised that you most probably made a typo error. However, such mistakes would cause the deduction of points in this aspect as they will make your story sound silly and incoherent. In addition, in the same line, you mentioned that Boa’s father smiled and then “lead” her. Shouldn’t it be led? Do take note of your tenses and not change it in the middle of a line. Also, there are fragmented lines such as “Both looking at each other smiling happily.” You can change it to “Both were looking at each other, smiling happily.” Also, the words revolving “happy” (“happily”, “happiness”) are used too many times. You can change it to “blissfully”, “gladly”, “cheerily” and other synonyms. Note your spelling as well. For instance, “Sure it was cold, but it was a beautiful site to see.” The word “site” is misused. It should be “sight”.
Characterisation: 8/10
Since an one-shot story is short, it would be more difficult to bring out the personalities of the characters. I think that you did a pretty good job here. It can be seen that Boa and Jae Joong share a strong love for each other. Boa’s cheerful character can be deduced from her actions before she died, asking Jae Joong to sing in his sweet voice and also encouraging him to move on. Jae Joong’s personality of being a manly lover can also be deduced.
Writing Style: 7/10
Your story is easily understood, but to reach the impressive stage, you still have to work harder. Do strive on! I am glad that your paragraphing is rather good.
Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5
I enjoyed reading this one-shot but I felt that it could have been more satisfying if you had minimised the number of errors (spelling, grammatical and phrasing errors) in the story.
Bonus: 4/5
I can see your efforts in writing this one-shot, doing the poster and everything. One more thing, I love both Jae Joong and Boa. Do remember to credit me (for this review) and our site [http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/ ].
Total: 71/100
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