Story: Promise by Vi3tjcn
Reviewed by: th1rd3ye
Title: 7/10
Your title is rather common so I could not give you a higher mark. However, this title will still be able to stir up interest in readers as they would be curious about what promise the characters made to each other.
Foreword: 3.5/10
I did not know how to judge you on this since you only wrote a few words, at first. After thinking about it, I know you are trying to get your readers’ interest aroused with those few words. However, I think you should include maybe some snippets of their past memories or when they made the promise. In other words, you could have put in some small parts of your one-shot in the foreword to lure the readers into reading more. Maybe you could have used a paragraph to emphasis on how perfectly compatible Boa and Jae Joong were. With such a paragraph in the foreword, the despair of losing Boa in the end will be stronger and will surely leave a deeper impression on the reader. Do strive on.
Appearance: 6.5/10
I would say that the appearance was alright. At least the font colour fits with the dark background and so reading the fanfic will not be a hard task. Readers do not have to strain their eyes. However, I think the poster is not at its best yet. Somehow, the mood of the story is not brought out. Maybe it is the pictures used in the poster. Perhaps, you could put in pictures of Boa smiling and Jae Joong looking emotional and try to blend them together. Black is an appropriate colour but maybe you could use some other colours such as blue or purple to enhance the feel of the poster.
Plot: 10/15
Your plot is not unusual so I could not give you a higher score. However, I feel that you have managed to add your own style into writing this one shot. Though this plot is common, you had your own way of telling the story to readers. The setting of Boa’s death is different from endings of other similar stories (Usually, the writers will just have the bride dead in the wedding hall.) So, not bad! You can do better, though.
Flow: 10/10
Flow of the story is just right. Not too fast and not too slow, in this one-shot, the developments are written in a perfect pace, allowing the readers to grasp the unfolding events easily.
Originality: 7/10
As I have mentioned earlier, such a plot is quite common. However, as I have mentioned above too, you certainly have your own way of writing and your own ideas. So I can see that you are rather original and creative.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4.5/10
I think you should proofread your story a few more times. In your one-shot, I would say that the mistakes are too much. For example, “Her dads smiled and lead her out of the dressing room”. Firstly, I was amused when I saw the word “dads”. How many fathers does Boa have? Then I realised that you most probably made a typo error. However, such mistakes would cause the deduction of points in this aspect as they will make your story sound silly and incoherent. In addition, in the same line, you mentioned that Boa’s father smiled and then “lead” her. Shouldn’t it be led? Do take note of your tenses and not change it in the middle of a line. Also, there are fragmented lines such as “Both looking at each other smiling happily.” You can change it to “Both were looking at each other, smiling happily.” Also, the words revolving “happy” (“happily”, “happiness”) are used too many times. You can change it to “blissfully”, “gladly”, “cheerily” and other synonyms. Note your spelling as well. For instance, “Sure it was cold, but it was a beautiful site to see.” The word “site” is misused. It should be “sight”.
Characterisation: 8/10
Since an one-shot story is short, it would be more difficult to bring out the personalities of the characters. I think that you did a pretty good job here. It can be seen that Boa and Jae Joong share a strong love for each other. Boa’s cheerful character can be deduced from her actions before she died, asking Jae Joong to sing in his sweet voice and also encouraging him to move on. Jae Joong’s personality of being a manly lover can also be deduced.
Writing Style: 7/10
Your story is easily understood, but to reach the impressive stage, you still have to work harder. Do strive on! I am glad that your paragraphing is rather good.
Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5
I enjoyed reading this one-shot but I felt that it could have been more satisfying if you had minimised the number of errors (spelling, grammatical and phrasing errors) in the story.
Bonus: 4/5
I can see your efforts in writing this one-shot, doing the poster and everything. One more thing, I love both Jae Joong and Boa. Do remember to credit me (for this review) and our site [http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/ ].
Total: 71/100
