The Playboy Life - Suite #589 Anyone? [R]
by The Samurai's Choco Pie
Reviewer: xiaoxi
@ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com [Dark side]
Title: 8/10
Cliché title, but it suits the story just fine - it’s a playboy’s life, as told by the title.
Foreword: 7/10
I think the forewords is just fine, except for the way you introduced NewS. Even in a book, you won’t find introductions such as this:
Tegoshi Yuuya
Age 22
The Ero Prince
He’ll have his hands all over you on the dance floor – you’ll be moaning by the end of the song.
The author would slowly reveal the personality of the character instead of just feeding it to the audience like you did.
Appearance: 5/10
There was no poster or background, and I respect that not all authors would find it necessary to have a poster and background. However, take into consideration for the fact that first impression means a lot. If there was an attractive poster, it would capture readers. However, points were given because the black font colour is easy on the eyes when contrasted against a white background.
Plot: 10/15
I personally feel it’s just the same story happening to six couples who all share the same reactions and feelings towards the engagement. Perhaps it would be better if there was some slight difference in the way they met or got engaged. It just seem like rereading the story six times with the names of the characters changed.
Flow: 8/10
The pace was a little quick for me. It was suddenly like as if New Year is a day right after Christmas.
Originality: 8.5/10
The plot isn’t original. However, I gave a little credit for the addition of Yori who makes things much more interesting.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 9/10
I managed to catch only a few mistakes here and there as I was reading, but it did not really inconvenience me in my reading experience and therefore I did not bother too much about it. However, good presentation is essential and you should always proofread before you post. This minimizes the chances of you creating a mistake in spelling/grammar/punctuation/vocabulary and makes reading more pleasant and enjoyable.
Characterization: 6/10
The only character whom I got to understand was Yori (what a surprise) and I won’t really count her as someone who has a main role in the story. The only thing I understood of NewS was that they are complete playboys, and that’s the end of story. You need to blow more life into the characters so that they seem more ‘alive’.
Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is easy to comprehend, but there are occasional mistakes in sentence structure and spelling/grammar/punctuation/vocabulary.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Bonus: 2/5
I like authors who interact with readers and stories that can make me laugh :)
Total: 76.5/105
Reviewer’s note:
Thanks for being so patient, I know I took a little too long with this review (I completed the review but forgot to send it out T.T).
I think this is one of the best fic I’ve reviewed thus far (not that I’ve really reviewed that many…) but I think you need to put in a bit more effort in creating six entirely - okay, maybe varying slightly - fic. I was getting a little bored reading six couples experience the same things in a chapter. The parents pair them up, and they all have dinner on Christmas day. Same reactions too, may I add. I admit I’m a picky reader, but I rate based on what I feel would be best for creating an ideal fic and pleasant reading experience.
And lastly… I thought your name was the title of the fic when I first saw it (I wasn’t reading the request properly I think). And I was like ‘samurai and choco pie? This story might be interesting’. LOL! Once again, thanks for being so patient!
Xiaoxi, loves.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Review for Wedding Dress
Title: Wedding Dress
Author: Lucia
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lucia5/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -9/10 As this is connected with songs,the title will do.
Foreword : -9/10
Appearance : -10/10 Love the background it’s so smooth and the poster is beautiful too.
Plot : -14/15 I read a lot of stories and this plot was something that I see in a lot of stories, but still it has this feeling…how should I say..something’s definitely different from all the others.
Flow : -9/10
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 Uhm I think I didn’t see any mistakes :D.
Characterization : -9/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Again gonna say that i love your writing style! J
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -98/105
Congratulations! J
Haha we meet again :D, this was good, all your stories are good,even through I actually only read stuff with DBSG but I liked your plots and all.
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Author: Lucia
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lucia5/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -9/10 As this is connected with songs,the title will do.
Foreword : -9/10
Appearance : -10/10 Love the background it’s so smooth and the poster is beautiful too.
Plot : -14/15 I read a lot of stories and this plot was something that I see in a lot of stories, but still it has this feeling…how should I say..something’s definitely different from all the others.
Flow : -9/10
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 Uhm I think I didn’t see any mistakes :D.
Characterization : -9/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Again gonna say that i love your writing style! J
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -98/105
Congratulations! J
Haha we meet again :D, this was good, all your stories are good,even through I actually only read stuff with DBSG but I liked your plots and all.
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Review for I'll Leave First
Title: I’ll Leave First (Let Me Stay)
Author: Angelynnnnn
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/angelynnn_/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -9/10 I think the title follows the story…but um it didn’t catch my attention too much,and titles should do that.
Foreword : -8/10 Liked your forewords,they caught my attention.
Appearance : -9/10 Personally,the thing I liked is the background most,it was not too bright to suit the story and it was easy to read on it.
Plot : -11/15 I must say I read a lot of stories and this plot was something that I see in a lot of stories, you should make it stand out from all the other stories with such plot.
Flow : -9/10
Creativity/Originality : -7/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 There were a few mistakes, so I give you an advice to pay attention to your spelling,don’t rush too much when you type, and your vocabulary is good.
Characterization : -8/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Really loved it, from the way how it looks like and ending with how you described everything.
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -90/105
Congratulations!
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Author: Angelynnnnn
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/angelynnn_/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -9/10 I think the title follows the story…but um it didn’t catch my attention too much,and titles should do that.
Foreword : -8/10 Liked your forewords,they caught my attention.
Appearance : -9/10 Personally,the thing I liked is the background most,it was not too bright to suit the story and it was easy to read on it.
Plot : -11/15 I must say I read a lot of stories and this plot was something that I see in a lot of stories, you should make it stand out from all the other stories with such plot.
Flow : -9/10
Creativity/Originality : -7/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 There were a few mistakes, so I give you an advice to pay attention to your spelling,don’t rush too much when you type, and your vocabulary is good.
Characterization : -8/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Really loved it, from the way how it looks like and ending with how you described everything.
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -90/105
Congratulations!
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Review for Eye of Raven
Story: Eye of Raven
Author: Pararae
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
From: http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com
Title: 8/10
The title is of appropriate length and rather interesting. However, it is not captivating until it can be easily engraved into the minds of readers.
Foreword: 9.5/10
I would love to give you full marks but I felt that maybe you could have just added some more bits of the background information on the main characters. Other than that, excellent work! You had let it be known to the readers who the characters were and also included a prologue and also a significant quote. Great!
Appearance: -/10
Not applicable so I took out this aspect. The total score will be upon 90 instead of a 100.
Plot: 11.5/15
I would firstly say that I am giving you the benefit of doubt since your story is not completed (please do not tell me you end there :p ). I do not know if you will add more twists of your own in the future. However, the plot of having opposing sides like assassins and protectors is rather common. In addition, the part of training to fulfill and succeed in missions had been overused. Therefore, it seemed typical in general. However, you had done a good job of creating characters with striking personalities and interesting names. The different interactions between the characters helped to spice the story up and built more tension in the story. Do strive on!
Flow: 10/10
Perfect flow, really! The pace was right, not too fast or slow, and the lengths of the parts of your story were consistent! Keep up the good work!
Originality: 7.5/10
Same comment as Plot, since the plot you used will reveal your originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/10
I think you showed a lack of care in your language. There were errors here and there, though not too prominent, but they did affect your story negatively. Your vocabulary was rather good. Spelling and punctuation was fine. I was really glad that you had kept a consistent use of tenses, maybe there were just like two slips. Do strive on and proofread more. Examples of errors:
[1] Those are a common guideline for an assassin like Raven, but what if all of those things she holds on to suddenly turn their back on her? [Prologue] – The word “Those” is for plural form. Therefore, I thought it would be more appropriate that you write “Those are common guidelines for an assassin…”.
[2] But that’s her queue. [Part 1] – I think it should be “cue” instead of “queue”.
[3] She couldn’t be more care less. [Part 1] – Firstly, you have been using present tense so the correct sentence should be “She can’t be more careless”. Secondly, I think the adjective “careless” is spelt together without any space between the words “care” and “less”.
[4] Then, silent creeps in… [Part 1] – You had misused the word “silent” which is an adjective. In this case, you should be using a noun instead of an adjective. “Silence” should be used instead.
[5] A friendly, yet cold voice breaks the silent. [Part 1] – Similar error as the error above. It should be “silence” instead of “silent”.
[6] “No, but that what most people call me.” [Part 2] – Actually, there is a similar error as this in Part 1 but I didn’t take it out. [:p] You should write “that’s what people call me”. You missed out the “’s” part which made the sentence sound a little incoherent.
[7] Raven licks his tongue, a habit she develops from childhood whenever she feels uneasy. [Part 3] – The last time I checked, Raven is a girl. So, it should be “her tongue” instead of “his tongue”.
[8] “How have you were taught, Conrad?” [Part 3] – This is weird. I believe you should have written “How have you been taught, Conrad?” and not “were taught”.
[9] “That is exactly what am I doing.” – Since you have used a full stop, this sentence should be a statement and not a question. Therefore, it should be “what I am doing” and not “what am I doing”.
Characterisation: 8/10
There was pretty good characterisation, especially for Mimie. Raven’s cold character was really striking and her partner’s charm was revealed to be formidable. I particularly liked Mimie’s character as there were different sides of her shown – the polite girl, the weird girl who laughs and the one who is observant. As for the other characters, there should be more characterisation needed.
Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is great and totally understandable! I love the details and descriptions you had added in your story. These helped to make your story more interesting and more imaginable. I had deducted a point, because of the lack of care I sensed, since there were rather a handful of weird language errors which made your story sound incoherent at times.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Bonus: 5/5
Buddies ever! =] Thank you for always reviewing my fanfics so patiently and meticulously! =]
Total: 80.5/90
Author: Pararae
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
From: http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com
Title: 8/10
The title is of appropriate length and rather interesting. However, it is not captivating until it can be easily engraved into the minds of readers.
Foreword: 9.5/10
I would love to give you full marks but I felt that maybe you could have just added some more bits of the background information on the main characters. Other than that, excellent work! You had let it be known to the readers who the characters were and also included a prologue and also a significant quote. Great!
Appearance: -/10
Not applicable so I took out this aspect. The total score will be upon 90 instead of a 100.
Plot: 11.5/15
I would firstly say that I am giving you the benefit of doubt since your story is not completed (please do not tell me you end there :p ). I do not know if you will add more twists of your own in the future. However, the plot of having opposing sides like assassins and protectors is rather common. In addition, the part of training to fulfill and succeed in missions had been overused. Therefore, it seemed typical in general. However, you had done a good job of creating characters with striking personalities and interesting names. The different interactions between the characters helped to spice the story up and built more tension in the story. Do strive on!
Flow: 10/10
Perfect flow, really! The pace was right, not too fast or slow, and the lengths of the parts of your story were consistent! Keep up the good work!
Originality: 7.5/10
Same comment as Plot, since the plot you used will reveal your originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/10
I think you showed a lack of care in your language. There were errors here and there, though not too prominent, but they did affect your story negatively. Your vocabulary was rather good. Spelling and punctuation was fine. I was really glad that you had kept a consistent use of tenses, maybe there were just like two slips. Do strive on and proofread more. Examples of errors:
[1] Those are a common guideline for an assassin like Raven, but what if all of those things she holds on to suddenly turn their back on her? [Prologue] – The word “Those” is for plural form. Therefore, I thought it would be more appropriate that you write “Those are common guidelines for an assassin…”.
[2] But that’s her queue. [Part 1] – I think it should be “cue” instead of “queue”.
[3] She couldn’t be more care less. [Part 1] – Firstly, you have been using present tense so the correct sentence should be “She can’t be more careless”. Secondly, I think the adjective “careless” is spelt together without any space between the words “care” and “less”.
[4] Then, silent creeps in… [Part 1] – You had misused the word “silent” which is an adjective. In this case, you should be using a noun instead of an adjective. “Silence” should be used instead.
[5] A friendly, yet cold voice breaks the silent. [Part 1] – Similar error as the error above. It should be “silence” instead of “silent”.
[6] “No, but that what most people call me.” [Part 2] – Actually, there is a similar error as this in Part 1 but I didn’t take it out. [:p] You should write “that’s what people call me”. You missed out the “’s” part which made the sentence sound a little incoherent.
[7] Raven licks his tongue, a habit she develops from childhood whenever she feels uneasy. [Part 3] – The last time I checked, Raven is a girl. So, it should be “her tongue” instead of “his tongue”.
[8] “How have you were taught, Conrad?” [Part 3] – This is weird. I believe you should have written “How have you been taught, Conrad?” and not “were taught”.
[9] “That is exactly what am I doing.” – Since you have used a full stop, this sentence should be a statement and not a question. Therefore, it should be “what I am doing” and not “what am I doing”.
Characterisation: 8/10
There was pretty good characterisation, especially for Mimie. Raven’s cold character was really striking and her partner’s charm was revealed to be formidable. I particularly liked Mimie’s character as there were different sides of her shown – the polite girl, the weird girl who laughs and the one who is observant. As for the other characters, there should be more characterisation needed.
Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is great and totally understandable! I love the details and descriptions you had added in your story. These helped to make your story more interesting and more imaginable. I had deducted a point, because of the lack of care I sensed, since there were rather a handful of weird language errors which made your story sound incoherent at times.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Bonus: 5/5
Buddies ever! =] Thank you for always reviewing my fanfics so patiently and meticulously! =]
Total: 80.5/90
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