Review for Fragment

Story Tittle: Fragment
Story URL: htpp://winglin.net/fanfic/fragments/
Author: maia
Reviewer: Euki


Title: -9/10
I deducted a point since it didn't really catch my attention. Moreover, the title

suits your story well. And, I like how you emphasize the word "fragment" in

the character introduction.

Foreword: - 9/10
I love your forewords [: But, I deducted a point because the dividers you used

make me confuse a little bit. Overall, I love the forewords..

Appearance: -10/10
Full credit for this one because
-YELLOW is my favorite color, haha
-Black and mellow yellow have a good contrast for a background and font

color
-Poster is simple, but it still appeal for my eyes

Plot: -13/15
Honestly speaking, I don't really like the plot that much. It makes me realize

what if I'm in Ella's shoes. But I deducted only 2 points since it's pretty rare to

read stories with a priest involve.

Flow: -6/10
Your flow is somewhat fast for me. You should elaborate the moments

between Ella and Chun more. Also, you should have shown how Ella and

Calvin end up together.

Originality: -8/10
This story is pretty rare. But, I deducted 2 points since it's kind of cliché for

me.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -3/10
I found many mistakes.
I noticed that in your dialogue, instead of putting a period[.] after the sentence,

you are using coma[,] which is not the proper way to end your sentence.

Readers might assume that you have more to say.
In addition, every time you used words that end with "fully", you only use 1 "l"..
Example is "painfully". You spelled it "painfuly", not with double "l"..
--
You wrote: "I know. I can feel it."
Proper one: "I know because I can feel it."
--
You wrote: "At first, I myself can't get the irony of all things."
Proper: "At first, I, myself can't get the irony of all things." -you should put a

coma after "I"
--
You wrote: "It's when you'll know that you've already reached the limitation of

your life that you'll have the courage to face everything."
Proper: "It's when you'll know that you've already reached the limitation of

your life, that you'll have the courage to face everything." This is not a run-on

sentence, but you should have put a coma to separate those two ideas using

a coma, even though they are connected.
--
You wrote: "Sure he can."
Proper: "Of course he can."
--
You wrote: "I wonder why God gave me a perfect man to couple with my

imperfections."
Proper: "I wonder why God gave me a perfect man to match up my

imperfections." Using the word "couple", it does not make sense.
--
You wrote: "She looked away; clearly reluctant to continue."
Proper: "She looked away, clearly reluctant to continue."
--
You wrote: "My face is soft with all the concern for her but I'm trying my best

to stay strong."
Proper: "My face is soft with all the concern for her. However, I'm trying my

best to stay strong." It will sound better if you write it that way.
--
You wrote: "Yes. I'm a doctor."
Proper: "Yes, I'm a doctor."
--
You wrote: "You know why?"
Proper: "The reason why?"
--
You wrote: "Twelve years at that and I'm still not over him.”
Proper: "Twelve years, and I'm still not over him."
--
You wrote: "I envy those persons who can control and suppress their

emotions."
For me: "I envy those people who can control and suppress their emotions."

It sounds sophisticated for me. Also, you misspelled the word “suppress.”
--
You wrote: "I know that he knows the answer to his scripted question. No."
Proper: "I know that he knows the answer to his scripted question is a no." Its

okay to break rules when you are writing, but in this certain part, I don't think it

will work.
--
You wrote: "My jaw dropped and shock as I am, I proceeded."
Proper: "My jaw dropped and shock as I am but I proceeded."
--
You wrote: "I can't feel anything. Numb."
Proper: "I can't feel anything. I'm numb."
--
You wrote: "Or am I dreaming?"
Proper: "Am I dreaming?"
--
You wrote: "I looked up, forcing myself to take control, the common gesture

when one is begging for support."
Proper: "I looked up, forcing myself to take control. The common gesture

when one is begging for support."

Characterization: -6/10
I'm a bit confused with Ella and Chun's character. What is behind Chun's

idea of being a priest? Also, Ella's character doesn't really shine that much in

the story.

Writing Style: -8/10
I like the way you write. The metaphors and you used some challenging

vocabularies. Nevertheless, I still didn't give you full credit because of some

spelling and grammar mistakes.

Overall Enjoyment: -3/5
I enjoyed this story. But I deducted 2 points because;
-I felt awkward in the dialogue parts when you used coma instead of period.
-You made me give you the review even if the story isn't done yet. Honestly,

I'm going to be able to review your story better if you finished it, but I have no

choice since it's your decision.
Bonus: -2/5
I gave you 2 because
-This is my first ever ChunElla story
-Thanks for requesting to jjforeverdbsk.webs.
Total: -77/105