The Playboy Life - Suite #589 Anyone? [R]
by The Samurai's Choco Pie
Reviewer: xiaoxi
@ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com [Dark side]
Title: 8/10
Cliché title, but it suits the story just fine - it’s a playboy’s life, as told by the title.
Foreword: 7/10
I think the forewords is just fine, except for the way you introduced NewS. Even in a book, you won’t find introductions such as this:
Tegoshi Yuuya
Age 22
The Ero Prince
He’ll have his hands all over you on the dance floor – you’ll be moaning by the end of the song.
The author would slowly reveal the personality of the character instead of just feeding it to the audience like you did.
Appearance: 5/10
There was no poster or background, and I respect that not all authors would find it necessary to have a poster and background. However, take into consideration for the fact that first impression means a lot. If there was an attractive poster, it would capture readers. However, points were given because the black font colour is easy on the eyes when contrasted against a white background.
Plot: 10/15
I personally feel it’s just the same story happening to six couples who all share the same reactions and feelings towards the engagement. Perhaps it would be better if there was some slight difference in the way they met or got engaged. It just seem like rereading the story six times with the names of the characters changed.
Flow: 8/10
The pace was a little quick for me. It was suddenly like as if New Year is a day right after Christmas.
Originality: 8.5/10
The plot isn’t original. However, I gave a little credit for the addition of Yori who makes things much more interesting.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 9/10
I managed to catch only a few mistakes here and there as I was reading, but it did not really inconvenience me in my reading experience and therefore I did not bother too much about it. However, good presentation is essential and you should always proofread before you post. This minimizes the chances of you creating a mistake in spelling/grammar/punctuation/vocabulary and makes reading more pleasant and enjoyable.
Characterization: 6/10
The only character whom I got to understand was Yori (what a surprise) and I won’t really count her as someone who has a main role in the story. The only thing I understood of NewS was that they are complete playboys, and that’s the end of story. You need to blow more life into the characters so that they seem more ‘alive’.
Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is easy to comprehend, but there are occasional mistakes in sentence structure and spelling/grammar/punctuation/vocabulary.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
Bonus: 2/5
I like authors who interact with readers and stories that can make me laugh :)
Total: 76.5/105
Reviewer’s note:
Thanks for being so patient, I know I took a little too long with this review (I completed the review but forgot to send it out T.T).
I think this is one of the best fic I’ve reviewed thus far (not that I’ve really reviewed that many…) but I think you need to put in a bit more effort in creating six entirely - okay, maybe varying slightly - fic. I was getting a little bored reading six couples experience the same things in a chapter. The parents pair them up, and they all have dinner on Christmas day. Same reactions too, may I add. I admit I’m a picky reader, but I rate based on what I feel would be best for creating an ideal fic and pleasant reading experience.
And lastly… I thought your name was the title of the fic when I first saw it (I wasn’t reading the request properly I think). And I was like ‘samurai and choco pie? This story might be interesting’. LOL! Once again, thanks for being so patient!
Xiaoxi, loves.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Review for Wedding Dress
Title: Wedding Dress
Author: Lucia
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lucia5/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -9/10 As this is connected with songs,the title will do.
Foreword : -9/10
Appearance : -10/10 Love the background it’s so smooth and the poster is beautiful too.
Plot : -14/15 I read a lot of stories and this plot was something that I see in a lot of stories, but still it has this feeling…how should I say..something’s definitely different from all the others.
Flow : -9/10
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 Uhm I think I didn’t see any mistakes :D.
Characterization : -9/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Again gonna say that i love your writing style! J
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -98/105
Congratulations! J
Haha we meet again :D, this was good, all your stories are good,even through I actually only read stuff with DBSG but I liked your plots and all.
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Author: Lucia
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lucia5/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -9/10 As this is connected with songs,the title will do.
Foreword : -9/10
Appearance : -10/10 Love the background it’s so smooth and the poster is beautiful too.
Plot : -14/15 I read a lot of stories and this plot was something that I see in a lot of stories, but still it has this feeling…how should I say..something’s definitely different from all the others.
Flow : -9/10
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 Uhm I think I didn’t see any mistakes :D.
Characterization : -9/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Again gonna say that i love your writing style! J
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -98/105
Congratulations! J
Haha we meet again :D, this was good, all your stories are good,even through I actually only read stuff with DBSG but I liked your plots and all.
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Review for I'll Leave First
Title: I’ll Leave First (Let Me Stay)
Author: Angelynnnnn
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/angelynnn_/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -9/10 I think the title follows the story…but um it didn’t catch my attention too much,and titles should do that.
Foreword : -8/10 Liked your forewords,they caught my attention.
Appearance : -9/10 Personally,the thing I liked is the background most,it was not too bright to suit the story and it was easy to read on it.
Plot : -11/15 I must say I read a lot of stories and this plot was something that I see in a lot of stories, you should make it stand out from all the other stories with such plot.
Flow : -9/10
Creativity/Originality : -7/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 There were a few mistakes, so I give you an advice to pay attention to your spelling,don’t rush too much when you type, and your vocabulary is good.
Characterization : -8/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Really loved it, from the way how it looks like and ending with how you described everything.
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -90/105
Congratulations!
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Author: Angelynnnnn
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/angelynnn_/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -9/10 I think the title follows the story…but um it didn’t catch my attention too much,and titles should do that.
Foreword : -8/10 Liked your forewords,they caught my attention.
Appearance : -9/10 Personally,the thing I liked is the background most,it was not too bright to suit the story and it was easy to read on it.
Plot : -11/15 I must say I read a lot of stories and this plot was something that I see in a lot of stories, you should make it stand out from all the other stories with such plot.
Flow : -9/10
Creativity/Originality : -7/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 There were a few mistakes, so I give you an advice to pay attention to your spelling,don’t rush too much when you type, and your vocabulary is good.
Characterization : -8/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Really loved it, from the way how it looks like and ending with how you described everything.
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -90/105
Congratulations!
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Review for Eye of Raven
Story: Eye of Raven
Author: Pararae
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
From: http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com
Title: 8/10
The title is of appropriate length and rather interesting. However, it is not captivating until it can be easily engraved into the minds of readers.
Foreword: 9.5/10
I would love to give you full marks but I felt that maybe you could have just added some more bits of the background information on the main characters. Other than that, excellent work! You had let it be known to the readers who the characters were and also included a prologue and also a significant quote. Great!
Appearance: -/10
Not applicable so I took out this aspect. The total score will be upon 90 instead of a 100.
Plot: 11.5/15
I would firstly say that I am giving you the benefit of doubt since your story is not completed (please do not tell me you end there :p ). I do not know if you will add more twists of your own in the future. However, the plot of having opposing sides like assassins and protectors is rather common. In addition, the part of training to fulfill and succeed in missions had been overused. Therefore, it seemed typical in general. However, you had done a good job of creating characters with striking personalities and interesting names. The different interactions between the characters helped to spice the story up and built more tension in the story. Do strive on!
Flow: 10/10
Perfect flow, really! The pace was right, not too fast or slow, and the lengths of the parts of your story were consistent! Keep up the good work!
Originality: 7.5/10
Same comment as Plot, since the plot you used will reveal your originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/10
I think you showed a lack of care in your language. There were errors here and there, though not too prominent, but they did affect your story negatively. Your vocabulary was rather good. Spelling and punctuation was fine. I was really glad that you had kept a consistent use of tenses, maybe there were just like two slips. Do strive on and proofread more. Examples of errors:
[1] Those are a common guideline for an assassin like Raven, but what if all of those things she holds on to suddenly turn their back on her? [Prologue] – The word “Those” is for plural form. Therefore, I thought it would be more appropriate that you write “Those are common guidelines for an assassin…”.
[2] But that’s her queue. [Part 1] – I think it should be “cue” instead of “queue”.
[3] She couldn’t be more care less. [Part 1] – Firstly, you have been using present tense so the correct sentence should be “She can’t be more careless”. Secondly, I think the adjective “careless” is spelt together without any space between the words “care” and “less”.
[4] Then, silent creeps in… [Part 1] – You had misused the word “silent” which is an adjective. In this case, you should be using a noun instead of an adjective. “Silence” should be used instead.
[5] A friendly, yet cold voice breaks the silent. [Part 1] – Similar error as the error above. It should be “silence” instead of “silent”.
[6] “No, but that what most people call me.” [Part 2] – Actually, there is a similar error as this in Part 1 but I didn’t take it out. [:p] You should write “that’s what people call me”. You missed out the “’s” part which made the sentence sound a little incoherent.
[7] Raven licks his tongue, a habit she develops from childhood whenever she feels uneasy. [Part 3] – The last time I checked, Raven is a girl. So, it should be “her tongue” instead of “his tongue”.
[8] “How have you were taught, Conrad?” [Part 3] – This is weird. I believe you should have written “How have you been taught, Conrad?” and not “were taught”.
[9] “That is exactly what am I doing.” – Since you have used a full stop, this sentence should be a statement and not a question. Therefore, it should be “what I am doing” and not “what am I doing”.
Characterisation: 8/10
There was pretty good characterisation, especially for Mimie. Raven’s cold character was really striking and her partner’s charm was revealed to be formidable. I particularly liked Mimie’s character as there were different sides of her shown – the polite girl, the weird girl who laughs and the one who is observant. As for the other characters, there should be more characterisation needed.
Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is great and totally understandable! I love the details and descriptions you had added in your story. These helped to make your story more interesting and more imaginable. I had deducted a point, because of the lack of care I sensed, since there were rather a handful of weird language errors which made your story sound incoherent at times.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Bonus: 5/5
Buddies ever! =] Thank you for always reviewing my fanfics so patiently and meticulously! =]
Total: 80.5/90
Author: Pararae
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
From: http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com
Title: 8/10
The title is of appropriate length and rather interesting. However, it is not captivating until it can be easily engraved into the minds of readers.
Foreword: 9.5/10
I would love to give you full marks but I felt that maybe you could have just added some more bits of the background information on the main characters. Other than that, excellent work! You had let it be known to the readers who the characters were and also included a prologue and also a significant quote. Great!
Appearance: -/10
Not applicable so I took out this aspect. The total score will be upon 90 instead of a 100.
Plot: 11.5/15
I would firstly say that I am giving you the benefit of doubt since your story is not completed (please do not tell me you end there :p ). I do not know if you will add more twists of your own in the future. However, the plot of having opposing sides like assassins and protectors is rather common. In addition, the part of training to fulfill and succeed in missions had been overused. Therefore, it seemed typical in general. However, you had done a good job of creating characters with striking personalities and interesting names. The different interactions between the characters helped to spice the story up and built more tension in the story. Do strive on!
Flow: 10/10
Perfect flow, really! The pace was right, not too fast or slow, and the lengths of the parts of your story were consistent! Keep up the good work!
Originality: 7.5/10
Same comment as Plot, since the plot you used will reveal your originality.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/10
I think you showed a lack of care in your language. There were errors here and there, though not too prominent, but they did affect your story negatively. Your vocabulary was rather good. Spelling and punctuation was fine. I was really glad that you had kept a consistent use of tenses, maybe there were just like two slips. Do strive on and proofread more. Examples of errors:
[1] Those are a common guideline for an assassin like Raven, but what if all of those things she holds on to suddenly turn their back on her? [Prologue] – The word “Those” is for plural form. Therefore, I thought it would be more appropriate that you write “Those are common guidelines for an assassin…”.
[2] But that’s her queue. [Part 1] – I think it should be “cue” instead of “queue”.
[3] She couldn’t be more care less. [Part 1] – Firstly, you have been using present tense so the correct sentence should be “She can’t be more careless”. Secondly, I think the adjective “careless” is spelt together without any space between the words “care” and “less”.
[4] Then, silent creeps in… [Part 1] – You had misused the word “silent” which is an adjective. In this case, you should be using a noun instead of an adjective. “Silence” should be used instead.
[5] A friendly, yet cold voice breaks the silent. [Part 1] – Similar error as the error above. It should be “silence” instead of “silent”.
[6] “No, but that what most people call me.” [Part 2] – Actually, there is a similar error as this in Part 1 but I didn’t take it out. [:p] You should write “that’s what people call me”. You missed out the “’s” part which made the sentence sound a little incoherent.
[7] Raven licks his tongue, a habit she develops from childhood whenever she feels uneasy. [Part 3] – The last time I checked, Raven is a girl. So, it should be “her tongue” instead of “his tongue”.
[8] “How have you were taught, Conrad?” [Part 3] – This is weird. I believe you should have written “How have you been taught, Conrad?” and not “were taught”.
[9] “That is exactly what am I doing.” – Since you have used a full stop, this sentence should be a statement and not a question. Therefore, it should be “what I am doing” and not “what am I doing”.
Characterisation: 8/10
There was pretty good characterisation, especially for Mimie. Raven’s cold character was really striking and her partner’s charm was revealed to be formidable. I particularly liked Mimie’s character as there were different sides of her shown – the polite girl, the weird girl who laughs and the one who is observant. As for the other characters, there should be more characterisation needed.
Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is great and totally understandable! I love the details and descriptions you had added in your story. These helped to make your story more interesting and more imaginable. I had deducted a point, because of the lack of care I sensed, since there were rather a handful of weird language errors which made your story sound incoherent at times.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Bonus: 5/5
Buddies ever! =] Thank you for always reviewing my fanfics so patiently and meticulously! =]
Total: 80.5/90
Friday, January 22, 2010
Review for Where U at?
Title: Where U At?
Author: Lucia
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lucia4/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -10/10 I think the title follows the story..
Foreword : -10/10 Liked your forewords,they gave me uhm the most information which I needed to know.
Appearance : -10/10 I Liked the poster,it caught my attention, cute and simple,I like simple things, the background was good,it didn’t bother me to actually read the story.
Plot : -14/15 I must say I read a lot of stories and this plot was unique,just slightly there were things that most fanfics have, but oh well I won’t be too harsh.
Flow : -10/10
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 There were a few mistakes, so I give you an advice to pay attention to your spelling,don’t rush too much when you type, and your vocabulary is really good! .
Characterization : -10/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Really loved it, from the way how it looks like and ending with how you described everything.
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -102/105
Congratulations!
I really loved the story! It was really exciting,actually more refreshing for me after all the rated stuff I read :D, well I hope you’ll keep writing more stories and don’t forget: you’ll always improve!
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Author: Lucia
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lucia4/
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -10/10 I think the title follows the story..
Foreword : -10/10 Liked your forewords,they gave me uhm the most information which I needed to know.
Appearance : -10/10 I Liked the poster,it caught my attention, cute and simple,I like simple things, the background was good,it didn’t bother me to actually read the story.
Plot : -14/15 I must say I read a lot of stories and this plot was unique,just slightly there were things that most fanfics have, but oh well I won’t be too harsh.
Flow : -10/10
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 There were a few mistakes, so I give you an advice to pay attention to your spelling,don’t rush too much when you type, and your vocabulary is really good! .
Characterization : -10/10
Writing Style : -10/10 Really loved it, from the way how it looks like and ending with how you described everything.
Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -102/105
Congratulations!
I really loved the story! It was really exciting,actually more refreshing for me after all the rated stuff I read :D, well I hope you’ll keep writing more stories and don’t forget: you’ll always improve!
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Monday, January 4, 2010
Review for From Zero to Hero.
Title: From Zero To Hero
Author: Vi3tjcn
Fanfic URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Vi3tjcn3
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -10/10 Well the title suits the story.
Foreword : -1/10 I think you could describe your characters in the forewords and tell a bit more about the story,but I didn’t see anything of that.
Appearance : -8/10 The background is really simple,yet it’s easy to read the story that way, the poster uhm.. I think it could be a bit better,like showing something interesting on it would do the job.
Plot : -15/15 Loved the plot. It’s refreshing thing for me,I haven’t seen such plots for a really long time and it’s nice to read it.
Flow : -10/10
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -10/10
Characterization : -10/10
Writing Style : -10/10 It was simple to read and to look at.
Overall Enjoyment : -3/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -91/105
Congratulations!
I enjoyed reading your story,but in my opinion it could be a bit longer,but in overall I enjoyed it a lot! ^^
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Author: Vi3tjcn
Fanfic URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Vi3tjcn3
Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/
Title : -10/10 Well the title suits the story.
Foreword : -1/10 I think you could describe your characters in the forewords and tell a bit more about the story,but I didn’t see anything of that.
Appearance : -8/10 The background is really simple,yet it’s easy to read the story that way, the poster uhm.. I think it could be a bit better,like showing something interesting on it would do the job.
Plot : -15/15 Loved the plot. It’s refreshing thing for me,I haven’t seen such plots for a really long time and it’s nice to read it.
Flow : -10/10
Creativity/Originality : -9/10
Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -10/10
Characterization : -10/10
Writing Style : -10/10 It was simple to read and to look at.
Overall Enjoyment : -3/5 Even for a one shot I think it could be a bit longer.
Bonus: -5/5
Total: -91/105
Congratulations!
I enjoyed reading your story,but in my opinion it could be a bit longer,but in overall I enjoyed it a lot! ^^
Keep up the good work.
<< JJ’s Love >>
Friday, January 1, 2010
Review for Beautiful... Yet Imperfect Assassins[R]
Story: Beautiful... Yet Imperfect Assassins[R]
Author: .·:*¨¨*:·.EüKì♥.·:*¨¨*:·.
Reviewed by: th1rd3ye
Title: 7/10
Pretty title and interesting, but, it is too long.
Foreword: 9.5/10
Your foreword is almost perfect. There is the list of characters and who they are, a simple and alluring prologue and also a concise summary. The only regret is the English Language errors sprinkled in the foreword, which makes the foreword sounds incoherent.
Appearance: 6.5/10
The poster is bright but the background is plain. I would say that the appearance was alright. At least the font colour fits with the dark background and so reading the fanfic will not be a hard task. Readers do not have to strain their eyes. However, I think that the different colours used in the poster seemed to cover the characters’ faces and made the poster looked a little too confusing, making it less appealing.
Plot: 10/15
Your plot is not unusual so I could not give you a higher score. Having beautiful assassins who lived double lives and then having missions to kill are typical plots. Usually, the next development will be that the assassins and spies will fall in love with their preys. However, I will leave you the benefit of doubt since your story is incomplete now.
Flow: 9/10
Flow of the story is just right. However, I deducted one point as in my opinion, you have slowed the story a little by having a little too many sexual scenes between Eun Hye and Hyun Joong.
Originality: 7/10
As I have mentioned earlier, such a plot is quite common. However, you certainly have your own way of writing and your own ideas. So I can see that you are rather original and creative.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4.5/10
At first, I was rather impressed with the adjectives you used. Your vocabulary is not bad. However, later, as I read your story, there seemed to be a lack of more detailed descriptions of the characters and their surroundings. Also, your grammar is rather weak. There are many abrupt sudden changes in tenses which confuse me and most probably your readers too. Do take note and proofread. The errors below are some examples I picked up:
[1] Women wanted to be them so badly. They are so beautiful. [Foreword] – Note the sudden change in tenses, from past tense to present tense. It should be “were” instead of “are”.
[2] Eunnie, Bunny, Bibi and Seungi are one of Asia's top and most notorious assassins. [Foreword] – You listed the four names and then stated that they “are one of…” It should be “they were Asia’s top and most notorious assassins and spies.” This is so as in the later part of the story, you had explained that only two of them were assassins.
[3] Eunhye asked as she curls a small spot of Hyun Joong's hair using her index finger. Hyun Joong just smirk. [Chapter 3] – Note the abrupt changes in tenses in these sentences. Past tense should be used consistently. Change “curls” and “smirk” to “curled” and “smirked” respectively, please.
[4] Maki said bluntly. The other two girls chuckles. [Chapter 4] – It should be “The other two girls chuckled.”
[5] She clear her throats first. [Chapter 5] – “She cleared her throat first.” There should be no “s” after the throat. One person has only one throat. I suppose that it is a typo.
[6] Hyun Joong said anxiously. Eunhye laughs. [Chapter 5] – It should be “laughed” instead of “laughs”.
[7] Mines is horny [Chapter 5] – There should be no “s” after “mine”. It should be “Mine’s horny”. If you want to use the short form of “is” which is the “’s”, please do not add another “is” anymore. The sentence will be incoherent and grammatically incorrect.
Characterisation: 8/10
I think your characterisation is quite good. The personalities of the girls and Hyun Joong are clear. However, all the characters seemed to be overly sexually obsessed. I wanted you to show more clearly about the girls’ distinctive characters but somehow I do not see it in the story yet. Maybe the further developments will bring out more of their distinctive personalities.
Writing Style: 7/10
Your story is easily understood, but to reach the impressive stage, you still have to work harder. Do strive on! Also, your paragraphing is rather neat. Your writing style is neat too. It is not confusing and you cleared up your errors as soon as you could. I think you could work on your grammar more.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Bonus: 4/5
I am in love with most of the male characters. There is the deduction of one point due to your English Language errors, since they sort of turned me off. Do strive on.
Total: 75.5/100
Author: .·:*¨¨*:·.EüKì♥.·:*¨¨*:·.
Reviewed by: th1rd3ye
Title: 7/10
Pretty title and interesting, but, it is too long.
Foreword: 9.5/10
Your foreword is almost perfect. There is the list of characters and who they are, a simple and alluring prologue and also a concise summary. The only regret is the English Language errors sprinkled in the foreword, which makes the foreword sounds incoherent.
Appearance: 6.5/10
The poster is bright but the background is plain. I would say that the appearance was alright. At least the font colour fits with the dark background and so reading the fanfic will not be a hard task. Readers do not have to strain their eyes. However, I think that the different colours used in the poster seemed to cover the characters’ faces and made the poster looked a little too confusing, making it less appealing.
Plot: 10/15
Your plot is not unusual so I could not give you a higher score. Having beautiful assassins who lived double lives and then having missions to kill are typical plots. Usually, the next development will be that the assassins and spies will fall in love with their preys. However, I will leave you the benefit of doubt since your story is incomplete now.
Flow: 9/10
Flow of the story is just right. However, I deducted one point as in my opinion, you have slowed the story a little by having a little too many sexual scenes between Eun Hye and Hyun Joong.
Originality: 7/10
As I have mentioned earlier, such a plot is quite common. However, you certainly have your own way of writing and your own ideas. So I can see that you are rather original and creative.
Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4.5/10
At first, I was rather impressed with the adjectives you used. Your vocabulary is not bad. However, later, as I read your story, there seemed to be a lack of more detailed descriptions of the characters and their surroundings. Also, your grammar is rather weak. There are many abrupt sudden changes in tenses which confuse me and most probably your readers too. Do take note and proofread. The errors below are some examples I picked up:
[1] Women wanted to be them so badly. They are so beautiful. [Foreword] – Note the sudden change in tenses, from past tense to present tense. It should be “were” instead of “are”.
[2] Eunnie, Bunny, Bibi and Seungi are one of Asia's top and most notorious assassins. [Foreword] – You listed the four names and then stated that they “are one of…” It should be “they were Asia’s top and most notorious assassins and spies.” This is so as in the later part of the story, you had explained that only two of them were assassins.
[3] Eunhye asked as she curls a small spot of Hyun Joong's hair using her index finger. Hyun Joong just smirk. [Chapter 3] – Note the abrupt changes in tenses in these sentences. Past tense should be used consistently. Change “curls” and “smirk” to “curled” and “smirked” respectively, please.
[4] Maki said bluntly. The other two girls chuckles. [Chapter 4] – It should be “The other two girls chuckled.”
[5] She clear her throats first. [Chapter 5] – “She cleared her throat first.” There should be no “s” after the throat. One person has only one throat. I suppose that it is a typo.
[6] Hyun Joong said anxiously. Eunhye laughs. [Chapter 5] – It should be “laughed” instead of “laughs”.
[7] Mines is horny [Chapter 5] – There should be no “s” after “mine”. It should be “Mine’s horny”. If you want to use the short form of “is” which is the “’s”, please do not add another “is” anymore. The sentence will be incoherent and grammatically incorrect.
Characterisation: 8/10
I think your characterisation is quite good. The personalities of the girls and Hyun Joong are clear. However, all the characters seemed to be overly sexually obsessed. I wanted you to show more clearly about the girls’ distinctive characters but somehow I do not see it in the story yet. Maybe the further developments will bring out more of their distinctive personalities.
Writing Style: 7/10
Your story is easily understood, but to reach the impressive stage, you still have to work harder. Do strive on! Also, your paragraphing is rather neat. Your writing style is neat too. It is not confusing and you cleared up your errors as soon as you could. I think you could work on your grammar more.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Bonus: 4/5
I am in love with most of the male characters. There is the deduction of one point due to your English Language errors, since they sort of turned me off. Do strive on.
Total: 75.5/100
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