Review for Eye of Raven

Story: Eye of Raven

Author: Pararae

Reviewer: th1rd3ye

From: http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com


Title: 8/10

The title is of appropriate length and rather interesting. However, it is not captivating until it can be easily engraved into the minds of readers.


Foreword: 9.5/10
I would love to give you full marks but I felt that maybe you could have just added some more bits of the background information on the main characters. Other than that, excellent work! You had let it be known to the readers who the characters were and also included a prologue and also a significant quote. Great!


Appearance: -/10

Not applicable so I took out this aspect. The total score will be upon 90 instead of a 100.


Plot: 11.5/15
I would firstly say that I am giving you the benefit of doubt since your story is not completed (please do not tell me you end there :p ). I do not know if you will add more twists of your own in the future. However, the plot of having opposing sides like assassins and protectors is rather common. In addition, the part of training to fulfill and succeed in missions had been overused. Therefore, it seemed typical in general. However, you had done a good job of creating characters with striking personalities and interesting names. The different interactions between the characters helped to spice the story up and built more tension in the story. Do strive on!


Flow: 10/10
Perfect flow, really! The pace was right, not too fast or slow, and the lengths of the parts of your story were consistent! Keep up the good work!



Originality: 7.5/10

Same comment as Plot, since the plot you used will reveal your originality.



Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/10

I think you showed a lack of care in your language. There were errors here and there, though not too prominent, but they did affect your story negatively. Your vocabulary was rather good. Spelling and punctuation was fine. I was really glad that you had kept a consistent use of tenses, maybe there were just like two slips. Do strive on and proofread more. Examples of errors:


[1] Those are a common guideline for an assassin like Raven, but what if all of those things she holds on to suddenly turn their back on her? [Prologue] – The word “Those” is for plural form. Therefore, I thought it would be more appropriate that you write “Those are common guidelines for an assassin…”.



[2] But that’s her queue. [Part 1] – I think it should be “cue” instead of “queue”.



[3] She couldn’t be more care less. [Part 1] – Firstly, you have been using present tense so the correct sentence should be “She can’t be more careless”. Secondly, I think the adjective “careless” is spelt together without any space between the words “care” and “less”.



[4] Then, silent creeps in… [Part 1] – You had misused the word “silent” which is an adjective. In this case, you should be using a noun instead of an adjective. “Silence” should be used instead.



[5] A friendly, yet cold voice breaks the silent. [Part 1] – Similar error as the error above. It should be “silence” instead of “silent”.



[6] “No, but that what most people call me.” [Part 2] – Actually, there is a similar error as this in Part 1 but I didn’t take it out. [:p] You should write “that’s what people call me”. You missed out the “’s” part which made the sentence sound a little incoherent.



[7] Raven licks his tongue, a habit she develops from childhood whenever she feels uneasy. [Part 3] – The last time I checked, Raven is a girl. So, it should be “her tongue” instead of “his tongue”.



[8] “How have you were taught, Conrad?” [Part 3] – This is weird. I believe you should have written “How have you been taught, Conrad?” and not “were taught”.



[9] “That is exactly what am I doing.” – Since you have used a full stop, this sentence should be a statement and not a question. Therefore, it should be “what I am doing” and not “what am I doing”.


Characterisation: 8/10

There was pretty good characterisation, especially for Mimie. Raven’s cold character was really striking and her partner’s charm was revealed to be formidable. I particularly liked Mimie’s character as there were different sides of her shown – the polite girl, the weird girl who laughs and the one who is observant. As for the other characters, there should be more characterisation needed.

Writing Style: 9/10

Your writing style is great and totally understandable! I love the details and descriptions you had added in your story. These helped to make your story more interesting and more imaginable. I had deducted a point, because of the lack of care I sensed, since there were rather a handful of weird language errors which made your story sound incoherent at times.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5

Bonus: 5/5
Buddies ever! =] Thank you for always reviewing my fanfics so patiently and meticulously! =]


Total: 80.5/90