Review for Breakout

Story Tittle: Breakout
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/cheche/
Author: cheche
Reviewer: xiaoxi

Title: 3/10
Since your story was not completed when I was sent the review request, I figured that the linkage from your story to title only appears in the later part of the story. All in all, I failed to see any connection of ‘Breakout’ in the story. I suggest you start creating the linkage, otherwise the title would not fit in with the story.
Is it So Hee breaking out of her shell? Or did somebody break out in cold sweat? A break out of zits?

Foreword: 4/10
I always find it important to never reveal the plot in forewords. The readers basically know what is going to happen, and because you also provided brief characteristics of the characters, it leaves readers with very little space for finding out more of your story by themselves. I would say readers won’t really be anticipating each update as much because they know what will be happening. It was a relief you’ve excluded the ending from your plot. Instead of directly telling readers of your plot, I suggest you slowly build it up through the chapters and lead the readers into understanding the plot by themselves. Not to mention, you are depending all on the given plot to lure readers. Why not include an excerpt from the story?

It was a bit confusing how the names differ from the ‘main cast’ list and the ‘plot’. take for example, under the main cast list, Ye Eun was spelt with ‘Ye’ but under the plot, it was spelt with ‘Yae’. it is also the case for Hyun A (Hyeon A) and Sun Ye (Sun Yae). As I am familiar with the characters, I don’t really find it much of a problem. However, if your reader happens to be someone new to them, they might find it confusing why their names are spelt differently. Is it a twin sister? Or is it the same person?

I also suggest that you create another section under ‘Author’s Notes’ - or simply A/N - to interact with your readers, instead of using ‘BTW’.

Appearance: 7/10
The poster gave a pretty good idea who is going to be paired with whom. However, the background did not really match the colours of your poster in my opinion. I didn’t really deduct a lot of marks since the text colour was still readable against your background colour.

Plot: 9/15
The plot wasn’t exactly original, but overall it was enjoyable.

Flow: 6/10
‘Breakout’ seems to be a day-to-day life of So Hee and her classmates, but the pace is a little quick. Taking for example Yoo Bin’s realization of such a mean person she has been. If she has been with her clique for that long, it’s going to take more struggling and self-convincing to leave them, but it was all summarized into a few paragraphs.

Originality: 7/10
Not exactly a fully original plot, but hey, who can really come up with a 100% original plot nowadays? The little twists in your story makes it interesting to read, although sometimes the flow is a little too quick.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 3/10
The first alphabet to a new sentence should always be capitalized. You also tend to jump between your past and present tense. Perhaps these are all careless mistakes, but the occurrences are too frequent. I suggest you proofread your work after typing them. You can try to type in Microsoft Words before copying and pasting onto Winglin. Microsoft Words will be able to pick out and minimize your mistakes effectively.

Your story also changes between writing in paragraphs and writing in script form. For writings, never use script form! What are the chances of you stepping into a bookstore and picking up a random book to find that it is in script form? Stories are not meant to come looking like scripts. You’re writing a fiction here, not a script. Even if that whole portion of the story is based on dialogues, you should use quotation marks (“…“ or ‘…’).

I found it amusing how So Hee was “crying again and again” in Chapter 2. Did she stop in between her crying? Because after she cried “again and again”, she talked to her friend and “cried again, but this time it was hard”. Seems like she has been holding quite a number of crying sessions. Also from the same paragraph in Chapter 2, you said:
“The 2 of them stayed there. Sun Mi is comforting her. And she was crying, releasing her anger from what happened awhile ago.”
The reason why I picked out this portion was because numbers below ten should always be spelt in full when you are writing, therefore instead of ‘2 of them’, you should use ‘two of them’. Notice also that there was an abrupt change in tense. ‘Stayed’, ‘was’ and ‘happened’ implied that it was past tense, but you wrote “Sun Mi IS comforting her”.

You said:
“So Hee’s eyes was still filled some droplets of tears.”
I suggest:
“So Hee’s eyes still sparkled with tears.” OR
“So Hee’s eyes were still brimming with tears.”
You cannot actually count the droplets of tears in her eyes unless they fall onto her cheek drop wise. “Sparkled” or “brimming” would be a good substitute as they still allow the sentence to hold its actual meaning.

You said:
"I left them because I thought I was happy being with them."
Why would Yoo Bin leave the group if she’s happy being with them? I get that you are trying to say, but it was phrased in a rather odd manner.
I suggest:
“I stayed with them because I thought that was true happiness. Now I realise how wrong I’ve been.”

You said:
"geez--Thanks :D"
This was So Hee’s reply to Yoo Bin when the latter offered her a ride. The reason I picked this sentence was because you failed to capitalize the first letter (which I’ve pointed out to be occurring frequently) and it is actually impossible to have a smiley face in your speech. You don’t actually say “Geez, thanks. Colon D” when you’re talking to people, do you? Therefore, it should be:
“Geez, thanks!” So Hee grinned.
Take note to leave your smilies out of your other dialogues. I noticed you often tend to place a smiley in a sentence.

Characterization: 6/10
I understand it was challenging to develop all the characters of your main cast.
Since you have so many people in your main cast, I shall not go into each and every character. I’m focusing it on Hyun A and Yoo Bin here.

Initially I saw Hyun A as a member of the ‘good girls’ of the class, but suddenly she was the mastermind of the attack incidents happening to Sun Mi. The change in character was really too quick. If it was because of how she’s jealous of Sun Mi, shouldn’t the jealousy build up over time? Therefore, it would have been better if you built up the growing tension instead of shocking your readers with a surprise attack. Or maybe you just wanted a cliff-hanger type of effect? I suggest you build up the tension and leave readers to wonder what Hyun A might do when she can’t take it anymore. That way, it wouldn’t come too abruptly.

As for Yoo Bin, didn’t she already realise what she has been doing all along was wrong? Which was why she did some soul-searching and decided to leave her clique? It was confusing how she had been reflecting upon her own actions and yet disclosed embarrassing photos of So Hee, Sun Mi and Hyun A. If she had wanted to stay mean, then the self realization should be excluded.

Writing Style: 7/10
A day-to-day based story, easy to comprehend. However, try not to change the way you spell their names because it gets confusing, as I’ve mentioned earlier. This is especially the case for TOP/Seung Hyun. For Sun Ye, Ye Eun and Hyun A, readers can still guess that it is them because of the similar names. But TOP and Seung Hyun are two different names altogether, so take note.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5

Bonus: 1/5
I like authors who take the time to reply to comments :)

Total: 55/100

Reviewer’s note:
Please don’t be disheartened by the total score you’ve received. You have a very interesting story there and I believe it is unfolding into something worth reading. However, you have to work on your Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary as it is this section which is pulling you down. Bear in mind what I have pointed out, because this is meant to help you to improve.
Before I forget, you have to make a linkage back to your title of ‘Breakout‘! It is essential as your title represents your story, but I cannot see the linkage as of yet. Good luck and thanks for requesting!
Xiaoxi, loves.

Review for Fragment

Story Tittle: Fragment
Story URL: htpp://winglin.net/fanfic/fragments/
Author: maia
Reviewer: Euki


Title: -9/10
I deducted a point since it didn't really catch my attention. Moreover, the title

suits your story well. And, I like how you emphasize the word "fragment" in

the character introduction.

Foreword: - 9/10
I love your forewords [: But, I deducted a point because the dividers you used

make me confuse a little bit. Overall, I love the forewords..

Appearance: -10/10
Full credit for this one because
-YELLOW is my favorite color, haha
-Black and mellow yellow have a good contrast for a background and font

color
-Poster is simple, but it still appeal for my eyes

Plot: -13/15
Honestly speaking, I don't really like the plot that much. It makes me realize

what if I'm in Ella's shoes. But I deducted only 2 points since it's pretty rare to

read stories with a priest involve.

Flow: -6/10
Your flow is somewhat fast for me. You should elaborate the moments

between Ella and Chun more. Also, you should have shown how Ella and

Calvin end up together.

Originality: -8/10
This story is pretty rare. But, I deducted 2 points since it's kind of cliché for

me.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -3/10
I found many mistakes.
I noticed that in your dialogue, instead of putting a period[.] after the sentence,

you are using coma[,] which is not the proper way to end your sentence.

Readers might assume that you have more to say.
In addition, every time you used words that end with "fully", you only use 1 "l"..
Example is "painfully". You spelled it "painfuly", not with double "l"..
--
You wrote: "I know. I can feel it."
Proper one: "I know because I can feel it."
--
You wrote: "At first, I myself can't get the irony of all things."
Proper: "At first, I, myself can't get the irony of all things." -you should put a

coma after "I"
--
You wrote: "It's when you'll know that you've already reached the limitation of

your life that you'll have the courage to face everything."
Proper: "It's when you'll know that you've already reached the limitation of

your life, that you'll have the courage to face everything." This is not a run-on

sentence, but you should have put a coma to separate those two ideas using

a coma, even though they are connected.
--
You wrote: "Sure he can."
Proper: "Of course he can."
--
You wrote: "I wonder why God gave me a perfect man to couple with my

imperfections."
Proper: "I wonder why God gave me a perfect man to match up my

imperfections." Using the word "couple", it does not make sense.
--
You wrote: "She looked away; clearly reluctant to continue."
Proper: "She looked away, clearly reluctant to continue."
--
You wrote: "My face is soft with all the concern for her but I'm trying my best

to stay strong."
Proper: "My face is soft with all the concern for her. However, I'm trying my

best to stay strong." It will sound better if you write it that way.
--
You wrote: "Yes. I'm a doctor."
Proper: "Yes, I'm a doctor."
--
You wrote: "You know why?"
Proper: "The reason why?"
--
You wrote: "Twelve years at that and I'm still not over him.”
Proper: "Twelve years, and I'm still not over him."
--
You wrote: "I envy those persons who can control and suppress their

emotions."
For me: "I envy those people who can control and suppress their emotions."

It sounds sophisticated for me. Also, you misspelled the word “suppress.”
--
You wrote: "I know that he knows the answer to his scripted question. No."
Proper: "I know that he knows the answer to his scripted question is a no." Its

okay to break rules when you are writing, but in this certain part, I don't think it

will work.
--
You wrote: "My jaw dropped and shock as I am, I proceeded."
Proper: "My jaw dropped and shock as I am but I proceeded."
--
You wrote: "I can't feel anything. Numb."
Proper: "I can't feel anything. I'm numb."
--
You wrote: "Or am I dreaming?"
Proper: "Am I dreaming?"
--
You wrote: "I looked up, forcing myself to take control, the common gesture

when one is begging for support."
Proper: "I looked up, forcing myself to take control. The common gesture

when one is begging for support."

Characterization: -6/10
I'm a bit confused with Ella and Chun's character. What is behind Chun's

idea of being a priest? Also, Ella's character doesn't really shine that much in

the story.

Writing Style: -8/10
I like the way you write. The metaphors and you used some challenging

vocabularies. Nevertheless, I still didn't give you full credit because of some

spelling and grammar mistakes.

Overall Enjoyment: -3/5
I enjoyed this story. But I deducted 2 points because;
-I felt awkward in the dialogue parts when you used coma instead of period.
-You made me give you the review even if the story isn't done yet. Honestly,

I'm going to be able to review your story better if you finished it, but I have no

choice since it's your decision.
Bonus: -2/5
I gave you 2 because
-This is my first ever ChunElla story
-Thanks for requesting to jjforeverdbsk.webs.
Total: -77/105

Review for Gangster In Love

Title: Gangster In Love
Author: EuKi
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Jaebom_Eunhye/
Reviewer: taexiah_gesuk
Review Rubric

Title: 9/10
The title goes along with the story line finely, although the title doesn't
have much of a catch to it. If i see it on wingling its a 50% chance that i'll click
it and 50% that i won't. But don't take that badly i'd consider it a good thing.

Foreword: 10/10
I personally, really enjoyed reading your foreword. although you gave a bit too much info about the story line.
but it really did make me wonder how the story will end. great job on asking the readers the questions. that will give them
an arge to read this fanfic.

Appearance: 10/10
the Apperance is nice. it's color is very cold and dark for Jaebum is very cold and dark.
great job to whomever made it.

Plot: 15/15
The plot of the story and the drama/action is very nice. detailed and nicely done.
but than again, a fanfic with a rude/mean/killer gangster falling in love is well-known.

Flow: 7/10
The flow of the story is quite fast. i got confused while reading chapter one.
a bit slower would'nt hurt.

Originality: 9/10
the story itself so far, is entertaining. but the pace is still a bit fast.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/10
spelling is good but most of the time you forgot to use past tense or future tense. [ex: eat=ate give=gave]
[You mess up with him, you're a raw meat.]
Although your writing skills isn't that bad, you still may have to work on where to put your words, i'd write
"You mess with him, you're raw meat."
spelling is nicely checked, but your wording doesn't fit in their sentence.

Characterization: 10/10
You've explain extreamly well about each character and what they do.

Writing Style: 8/10
i gave you an 8 because your writing style is readable and understanable too ALTHOUGH there were a few spelling mistakes here and there but it was okay.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Although you made a few mistakes, i really enjoyed reading this story.
i and the daRKsiDE family encourages you to keep writing fanfic, your a great writer, learning a bit
more here and there is good.

Bonus: 5/5

Total: 88/100
88 is a so, so score. If it was my score i'd be glad about it.
I think that you have a very good sense of detail and character, keep up your good work.
daRKsiDE and I encourages you to keep writing^-^

Review for Figment

Story Title: Figment
Story URL:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_tm_Figment/
Author: th1rd3ye
Reviewer: KawaIIPuddIng

Title: -10/10
I loved the title! It was short, plain but meaningful. It was the perfect title for your story!

Foreword: -8/10
Your foreword was amazing. I loved how you described your story and with all the teasers. With the teasers for every chapter, you kept your readers curious and anxious to read your story.I deducted 2 points though because you should've described the characters first.

Appearance: -10/10
BoBoLi0us did a wonderful job on the poster. The poster really brought out the mood of the story. I could feel this sad feeling when I saw the poster and straight away I knew it was a sad story. The text was also easy to read so full marks!

Plot: -12/15
When I first read your story, I thought that this would be a plain, boring and normal love story ending with sadness so I deducted 3 points. But the ending made me think differently so 12 points. You could use more twists in the beginning of the story though so it won't be too plain and simple.

Flow: -7/10
Based on my opinion, you were rushing it. There's no need to rush. Just take your time. I got lost several times reading your story. You should slow down a bit and describe what is happening to the next point not like when your in a scene and you suddenly go to another scene. Is this hard to understand? Well in easier words, just be slower but not too. ^^

Originality: -10/10
It was real original! I haven't read a story like this ever in my whole life! The ending was sad and touching. I LOVED it! I don't know how you thought of a plot like this but you really did a good job on this story. There's not too much plotlines or twists. It was plain at first but in the end it was really meaningful. the ending was where everything was.....showed. The poster, the title and the originality.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -10/10
It's either because you have no mistakes at all or it's just because there's something wrong with my eyes. Not a single thing was wrong! Since I have nothing to correct here, off to the next one!

Characterization: -9/10
You described the characters and the surroundings well but you could describe the surroundings more so your readers can imagine the place/surrounding well.

Writing Style: -9/10
The chapters was too short. Don't you think so? Well overall it was great!

Overall Enjoyment: -4/5
Well it was boring at first but as I said it a million times before, I LOVE THE ENDING!!!

Bonus: -3/5

~ It was original

~ Love the ending


Total: -92/100

Review for His Deceiving Look

Title: His Deceiving Look

Author: Magic Sparks

Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/zilliontin0e/

Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/





Title : -8/10 The title sounds nice,but I think it doesn’t suit that much.



Foreword : -10/10 Your forewords were awesome! As soon as I read then I wanted to read the story, good job!!



Appearance : -10/10 The poster is really beautiful, yet quite simple, the background makes reading quite easy.



Plot : -15/15 Your plot caught my attention from the first chapter.So I give you the highest score here!



Flow : -10/10 It was perfect.



Creativity/Originality : -10/10 In my opinion it was really creative!At least I never read anything with a similar plot like you have.



Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -9/10 Everything was good, except for some mistakes.



Characterization : -10/10



Writing Style : -10/10 Loved your writing style,notonly the story has an interesting plot but the writing style makes you want to read it!



Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 I soo enjoyed reading it! I liked everything in it~



Bonus: -5/5



Total: -102/105



Congratulations! You have a really high score!

I loved your story,it caught me from the first words, I loved your writing style.

Well there’s just one thing I can say ….

Keep up the good work! And just work a bit on the things where you lost a few points!

JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com

Review for My Girl

Title: ‘My Girl’

Author: xdorkyx

Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/KeyBer/

Reviewer: xiaoxi @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/

Title: 5/10

‘My Girl’ seems like a common title, and I did not manage to see the link between the title and story.

Foreword: 6/10

I had to rate you down slightly in this area, because your forewords was far too short to satisfy even the laziest of readers. I only understood it as an excerpt of Amber’s feelings towards Key, and there was no other mention about ‘My Girl’. Perhaps you would like to include a short paragraph to link your story to the title.

The big minus derived here -- you shouldn’t have given away your plot in the forewords. Readers, having known your plot, would not really be anticipating as much for your updates because they already know what would happen. Luckily you did not mention the ending. Instead of directly telling readers of your plot, I suggest you slowly build it up through the chapters and lead the readers into understanding the plot by themselves.

Appearance: 5/10

There was no poster or background, and I respect that not all authors would find it necessary to have a poster and background. However, take into consideration for the fact that first impression means a lot. If there was an attractive poster, it would capture readers. However, points were given because the black font colour is easy on the eyes when contrasted against a white background.

Plot: 9/15

The plot wasn’t exactly original, but the cute interactions between Key and Amber made up for it.

Flow: 5/10

The pace was a little quick, and at times I thought I was reading something similar to a diary. Take this paragraph for example --

“The next day, Key and Minho went to the mall. They wanted to waste money even just for that day so they bought clothes that would be perfect for the winter. After that, they went inside a coffee shop and had some cappuccino before spending the rest of day in the mall. They went window shopping after drinking some coffee and spotted someone pretty familiar to Key.”

It started off with the both of them going to the mall, then buying something, then going to the coffee shop, then spending the rest of the day just hanging around until Key spotted Amber. Perhaps you didn’t want to dwell on things that were not really Key-Amber related, but the way you had it phrased made it seem like a diary entry of some sort. And they simply wanted to “waste money”? It sounded a little weird.

I suggest you try this instead if you want to go directly into Key-Amber.

“Key and Minho took the day off to visit the mall for some winter clothes. After which, they hung around the place to chill out and do some window shopping when Key saw a familiar figure.”

Originality: 6/10

As I’ve said, the plot wasn’t exactly original because it was a tomboy-ish character in a school, and the tomboy-ish character is feeling awkward, and the story goes on to say how this character slowly leans towards being ‘girly’. I assumed Amber was slowly leaning more onto the girl side as she did not seem uncomfortable wearing a skirt around her school mates and she was skipping around school in a skirt.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 4/10

I caught quite a handful. A major mistake that caught my eye was that you tend to leave out your full-stops. I thought this was a rather serious mistake because readers would not be able to know if the sentence has ended. If you had intended for the sentence to end but did not place a full-stop, readers would be confused because they do not know that it has ended.

I also spotted mistakes which I assume are typos. Taking into account that everyone makes typo errors, I would close an eye to a few typos. However, your typos occur at quite a frequent rate and at times disturb the reading pace as I have to stop and think about the word.

Your paragraphing is inconsistent. Sometimes the speech dialogue is separated into a few paragraphs, whilst at other times it appears as a whole block. Consistent paragraphing is very important, so remember to decide on how you want to paragraph your story.

There was also an instance where you said ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ (or was it ‘him’ instead of ‘her’?) when you referred to Amber. If you’re getting confused, most likely your readers are too.

Below are also some errors I’ve picked out.

You said:

“Totally, Absolutely, Definitely~”

The first alphabets should not be capitalized except for ‘T’ of Totally. You did not end ‘Totally’ and ‘Absolutely’ with a full-stop. Therefore, the correct version should be:

“Totally, absolutely, definitely.”

Notice that ‘a’ of absolutely and ‘d’ of definitely should not be capitalized.

You said:

“Oppa, since you have all my candies, can you come with me. I want to buy some in the candyshop” Key stopped from walking”
If Amber is asking a question, the sentence should end with a question mark. If you want to end it with a full-stop, it would have to be such that Amber is demanding Key to follow her. Therefore, it should be:

“Oppa, can you come with me since you’ve eaten all my candies?” OR

“Oppa, you have to come with me since you ate all my candies.”

Also, you used “Key stopped from walking”. It should be “Key stopped walking.”

The candy shop is two separate words, not “candyshop”.

You said:

“If you could only see Amber’s face when I said she’s pretty”

If you notice, I picked this sentence because it was incorrectly phrased and you are missing a full-stop.

It should be:

“If only you could see Amber’s face when I complimented her saying that she’s pretty.”

Characterization: 6/10

I could tell Key was a cheeky boy, and Amber seemed rather tomboy-ish. However, there was a scene where Amber was skipping around in school during curriculum hours. I don’t think it fit’s the character you’ve carved Amber into. If she is uncomfortable about wearing skirts, how come she is comfortable about skipping around school in a skirt?

Writing Style: 6/10

After one or two chapters, I got the hang of your writing style. There was less confusion because I knew the sentence has ended despite the absence of a full-stop. Paragraphing is also a problem I have mentioned earlier. You have to work hard on correcting your mistakes. However, I guess it can also be taken as your unique writing style (although it isn’t a good habit).

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

I liked the interactions between Key and Amber, but sometimes it made Key seem childish and immature, such as how he calls Amber early in the morning to remind her of a pink lingerie. It also makes him ungentlemanly.

But I still enjoy seeing two of my favourite artistes together!

Bonus: 2/5

I like authors who take the time to reply to comments :)

Total: 57/100

Reviewer’s note:

I hope you will not be disheartened by the total score I have given you. Instead, I hope you would improve on what I have pointed out, especially since your story has yet to be completed. I can see you’ve been putting in effort to provide humor in your story. Before I forget, you have to make a linkage back to your title of ‘My Girl‘! It is essential as your title represents your story, but I cannot see the linkage as of yet. Good luck and thanks for requesting!

Xiaoxi, loves.

Review for Key to His Heart

Title: ‘Key to His Heart’

Author: miia186

Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/miia_chul4/

Reviewer: JJ’s Love @ http://jjforeverdbsk.webs.com/

Title : -8/10 Personally, I don’t have anything against your title, well maybe you could make it a bit more mysterious.

Foreword : -10/10 Your forewords were good! As soon as I read then I wanted to read the story, good job!

Appearance : -7/10 The poster is nice, not too bright and not too dark, I like it, but maybe the background that’s the only thing that I don’t actually like that much.

Plot : -13/15 The plot is quite catchy, but I think there is something missing,like a bit more action or something like that.

Flow : -10/10 In my opinion your flow was good, if it would be a usual story then yea it would be too rushed but for a one-shot, it’s pretty nice.

Creativity/Originality : -9/10 It was creative, but as I said there’s something missing, and it makes it a bit lack of originality.

Spelling/Grammar/ Vocabulary : -10/10 There were no major spelling or grammar mistakes, and your vocabulary is really good!

Characterization : -8/10 It was nice to find out the main things about the characters, but I think you needed to add a bit more of information.

Writing Style : -5/10 It wasn’t bad , but I suppose you should try finding another writing style, to make you unique J

Overall Enjoyment : -5/5 Yup,I sure enjoyed reading it, too bad it was a one-shot haha,want to read more!

Bonus: -5/5

Total: -90/100

It’s a pretty good score, it’s not perfect but don’t be sad about it! I see that you are a good writer so just keep working and try to pay more attention to your writing style, arrange it in some interesting way maybe, but not confusing at the same time and add more information to the characters profiles.